Current Mood: Bad & Depressed

A couple days ago I had the oddest conversation I personally have ever had. If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile you probably know, I’m not a fan of she who shall not be named’s insignificant other. Currently he’s still in jail, but out of nowhere he called me yesterday. What’s odd about it, is in the 5 or so years he’s been with she who shall not be named, we’ve never once had a conversation. Our conversations consisted of “wanna play a game or somethin?”. Followed by mono syllabic answers, and cursing under our breath when something doesn’t go right in the game. Yet, when he called, we actually talked. He asked about the kids. He sounds like he’s doing well. He’s in treatment, taking some classes, and generally sounds positive. It was quite the shocker. The oddest thing…he told me he loved me. I was completely dumbfounded as it caught me so off guard my initial response was to chuckle a little. Then he repeated it to show his seriousness and I responded in kind. I know, probably a bad move considering I barely like the dude. Maybe he is changing, maybe this stint in jail, coupled with the loss of custody made him re-assess his situation in life….orrrrrrrrr maybe he’s full of shit, and is as good a liar and manipulator as she who shall not be named. Time will tell I guess. I will say, I was impressed by how he sounded. He seemed to have a pretty positive outlook on the present and future…he seemed to be doing shit tons better than she who shall not be named. We’ll see…we will see.

In other much, much more depressing news my Grandmother had another set back yesterday night after having one of her better days. It doesn’t look good. She needs another surgery which the doctors feel she likely will not be strong enough to get through, but without it, there’s no hope. It’s a lose/lose situation with very little hope and it sucks. I don’t know what else to say…or do. I just try to keep myself busy. Don’t let my mind wander. Unfortunately for me, I’ve been home by myself quite a bit as my mom and family are at the hospital. I just can’t do it(go to the hospital). Everybody handles this type of situation in their own way. I prefer to keep to myself. Other’s just confuse the situation for me more, make it more difficult to deal with. I’ll get through it…Somehow, I always do.

Moving on…The kids have completely regressed since she who shall not be named got a full day pass/visit(previous post). Tayonna is just as she was when all this initially started. It’s so fucking frustrating. Tre isn’t listening for shit. I just don’t know. I’m not cut out for this parenting shit. I’ll continue to do what I need to do, but I won’t be happy about it.

In other news…we leave for comic-con in 8 days for a much, much needed vacation. I’m out!

Current Mood: Bad & Frustrated

…and she who shall not be named. So, somehow she got a full day visit for 4th of July. I admit, she’s apparently done well for a week leading upto the 4th but really? You clean yourself up for a fuckin’ week after doing jack fuckall for 3 months and you get rewarded? The legal system is broken beyond repair.

In the day and a half, I said maybe 50 words to her. The kids were so bad. Especially Tayonna. She completely regressed to the Tayonna of old. Not listening to anything…at all…ever. Tre was bad but not as much. His biggest problem was every time he didn’t get his way he told her he never wanted to see her again. Which I talked to him about.

The worse part, other than Tayonna being a total hellion, was she who shall not be named constantly trying to guilt the kids into doing stuff with her. It pissed me off. A lot. Her parenting needs a lot of work. If she was father of our nation, we’d be a 3rd world country. She slept almost the entire day Friday. It just was not a good time at all. Yet to see how it’ll effect the kids. Tre’ seems to be doing alright. Who knows. Anyway…

Side note…Comic-con is less than two weeks away bitches!

That is all.

Current Mood: Frustrated

She called yesterday…not to talk the kids. Actually I don’t know why she called. Anyway, I answered and I was short with her like I always am. No small talk, just yes/no/maybe type answers. So she calls mom and cries to her because I’m apparently being mean to her. And that I should be over it already as “it” happened back in February. “It” being damn near starving her youngest to death, complete neglect of her other 2 children, and drug use which led to said neglect. She’s yet to do one thing in an effort to better her life and get her kids back. She still constantly lies. Everything is, Poor me, poor fuckin’ Shell. Not, “damn I fucked up…big. My kids are suffering because I fucked up. Maybe I should get my priorities straight so I can be a fit, loving mother.” Yet I should apparently act like nothing happened because, “it happened all the way back in February”. They say time heals wounds but not if you keep picking at the fucking wound. So, she has decided to no longer call my phone. Somehow, I’ll get over it.

Tre also can’t go to Cali with us now, because the Judge doesn’t want him to miss any possible visitations with his “mother”. Even though she rarely sees them anyway. She canceled visitation this week cuz she scratched her eyeball and “it might scare the kids”. Yeah, fuckin’ ridiculous. I don’t know how she even still has a chance at getting her kids back. Just pisses me off. It’s hard to believe we were so close once. Now she’s practically a stranger. In the immortal words of Rick James…”Cocaine…hell of a drug.”

Current Mood: Indifferent

Went to the dentist Monday. All went well. Getting a couple of crowns. Had some mild pain until today. Nothing bad. For some reason I was just “blah” all day. From the moment I woke up till I got up Tuesday. I’m usually pretty talkative at the dentist. Not Monday, I just watched a movie on my media player. Went to Wal-Mart afterwards. Got some snacks for the kids…and me…and my cousins…and Cody. Mom bought me a movie. The Doors to be exact. Greatest group ever. Then came home. That is the extent of my exciting day.

In dumb fuckin’ people news. First off, my mom’s best friends kid was caught shoplifting. He’s likely going to lock-up. I think he’s 14. Her worry…losing his child support.

In more dumb fuckin’ people news. She who shall not be named got her stimulus check. She immediately goes to the city and gets “robbed”. She claims to have been robbed, made to get naked and stole her shoes as well. But when she called her friend’s, she apparently was feeling no pain and didn’t seem upset. Coincidence? I think not. She’s been “robbed” more than anybody in the history of ever. Whenever she gets any good amount of money, it disappears within’ two days. She might soon be homeless as she is quickly burning all her bridges. She’s staying with the aforementioned friend’s and they also smoke weed and wet. And they’re about done with her. You know things are bad when drug addicts are sick of your shit.

To top things off, she’s gonna miss visitation because she going to Nevin’s court appearance. Yep, she’d rather go see the loser du jour, than her awesome fricken’ kids. Her loss. Right now the kids are better off without her.

And that’s all in dumb fuckin’ people news.

Current Mood: Confused

…well, I wouldn’t say never.  At one time during my youth, I wanted a kid but I wasn’t thinking clearly then.  What i mean by that, is I was romanticizing the idea of a kid.  I wasn’t thinking of the financial responsibility, or even really the emotional side of things.  I just knew I wanted a kid.  After I broke my neck, I quickly decided kids were no longer an option.  I cut off the love of my life, and pretty much everything from my past.  I don’t have anything left from my years before my accident.  I just didn’t feel like I could do it as a quadriplegic.  I still don’t.

But “thanks” to she who shall not be named, I am now semi responsible for a life and the reasons for me not wanting kids are still there.  I just can’t do the things an able-bodied person can.  I can’t play catch, can’t take them to the park to play, can’t shoot hoops, etc., and it sucks.  I selfishly wish she who shall not be named got her shit together enough so I don’t have to deal with it.  Not for her well-being, or for the kids, but for me.  It was easy being just an Uncle.  Play a few video games, watch some cartoons, and I’m done.  In the end, she who shall not be named would bear responsibility.  Their dad would teach them to throw, shoot hoops and whatnot.  Now I don’t have that luxury, and they(the kids) don’t have that chance.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m VERY happy they are here with me.  And they are in a 1000% better situation.  They didn’t have a chance with she who shall not be named or her insignificant other.  And I fear they’ll clean themselves up just enough to get custody back.  As long as they’re in the environment they’re currently in, the kids would be facing an uphill climb.  Tre already thinks pimps, thugs, and gangsta’s are “cool”…

This post has really strayed from the post I wanted to make lol.  So I’ll shut up now, and make that post.

I don’t know what kinda father I would’ve been had I not broken my neck and had in fact had a kid, but as a stand-in dad/uncle, I spoil the fuck out of the kids.  I don’t know if it’s because I feel sorry for ‘em, or trying to compensate for something, or maybe even old insecurities, you know, like I’m trying to buy their love.  I really don’t know.  Maybe I just like buying them stuff.

The original reason for this post is yesterday after me and Tre’s trip to the dentist we went to Wal-Mart.  We went to the electronics section like always…I love my gadgets, and well, electronics.  You know what I got…2 games for Tre, Justice League Unlimited Season 2, He-Man Season 1, and a Backyardigans DVD…that’s it.  I got stuff from amazon as well.  I bought another Backyardigans DVD($15 for only 3 f’n episodes!), Scooby Doo Season 3.  Tre a chair, so when all the boys are here, he has his own, and also some basketball cards to try and introduce him to collecting and how to take care of stuff.  I bought me a $9 microSD card for my new cell.  That’s it.  In the past, it would’ve been all about me and my crap.

It’s clichéd, but there really needs to be a definitive book on parenting cuz it’s confusing.  I don’t know how people do it, and make it seem so easy.  Much respect to all the stand-up parents out there.  A special shout out to Chonees, for she is stronger than I will ever be.

Side note: My mom’s pretty great too, even if it took a broken neck for me to see it.