Good night…

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Published on: May 9, 2012

…perhaps. I talked with the former lady love last night. Not just a short cordial conversation, but our first real conversation since doomsday. Talked for over an hour. I feel a little better about things and yet more frustrated/confused. She does admit she got scared but the kids are still the main concern. The frustration/confusion come from knowing there’s nothing more to our split. I did no wrong, she did no wrong. We’re just simply not together…because. It was almost like I was hoping there was more to it. But alas, it’s just a mixture of kids and fear. Kids are the excuse she needed that helped her give into the fear. This is my interpretation anyway.

Still need to call about the GED…I’ll get there.

Birthday coming up Friday. No real plans other than to get passed out drunk. Hopefully I’ll wake up and the pain will be gone…That’s how it works right? I’m a little new to this drink the pain away thing. I’ll try not to make it a habit.

Until next time…fuck you very much.

Puny God…

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Published on: May 8, 2012

Well I got out the house yesterday. Went and seen the Avengers last night. Needless to say, it was amazing. Perfect blend of action, and comedy. What a comic book movie should be. Joss Whedon should direct every Marvel comic book movie from here on out. The Hulk was fucking awesome, and Robert Downey Jr. can do no wrong. Easily my favorite super-hero movie.

In other news, haven’t heard from the former lady love since the big speech. Not sure how I feel about it. I threw a lot at her in said speech. Only time will tell I guess. Watching Grandma’s Boy now which is probably a bad idea. Reminds me of better times. One of the first movies we watched together. Pretty funny movie if you haven’t seen it.

Gonna call and see what I need to do to get my GED tomorrow. Should be easy enough. Looking to the future I guess…we’ll see.

Until next time, fuck you very much.

Bi-polar much?

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Published on: May 7, 2012

Ok, new day, new attitude. I once again couldn’t sleep last night but something strange happened. A wave of positivity hit me. It was unusual to say the least. I decided that life still sucks, but I might as well do something with mine while I’m here. I finally said the things I needed to say to my former lady love early this A.M. Gave the big end of movie monologue that brings things together or tears them apart. It was freeing and difficult. I wept like a bitch through the whole thing but it needed to be said. In the end I’m still here for her if she wants me to be but I won’t push it. I can’t sit and stare at my phone. Wondering what she’s doing, what she’s thinking. If she’s gonna text me, why hasn’t she texted me. She knows I’m here and she has my number.

As for me, we’ll see how long this positivity lasts. I’m hoping to keep it going. Get out more, even if it’s just out front with the kids. Be a better man for me and in extension those I care about. It won’t be easy but I gotta do something.

And just for the record, this positivity hit me 6 hours before reading your post Cody 😛 I appreciate your words though. It’ll be my strength going forward.

Until next time…thank you very much…oh and fuck you 🙂

I wanna blog…

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Published on: May 6, 2012

…but I don’t know what to say. Life still sucks. Future seems bleak without my former lady love. Before, I could clearly see the future. Our house, our living room, our bedroom 😉 Spending the rest of our days watching the kids grow up. Finding their way in life. Now I see darkness. I see a life not worth living. No worries fuckers. I’m not thinking stupid shit. Life just seems pointless now. Just going through the motions for my mom’s sake and the kids. It doesn’t get any easier. Just gets more and more disappointing, more lonely, more depressing. Even if I thought I could find another woman, it’d never be the same, because I know Tiffany was my one and only. It’d be unfair to all involved because I could never open my self up to anybody like I did with her. Without her, I’m half the man I could be.

I keep thinking, give it time. She’ll come back. Her kids will see how much we love and need one another, but it’s not gonna happen. I was perfectly ok with my life before her. With her I got a glimpse of true happiness. Will things get better? It could happen I guess, but no matter how much things improve, I know I’ll never be the same without her. I’ll never know true happiness again.

The former lady seems to be doing ok. We’ve talked a little here and there. She’s looking to move out on her own. I’ll still be here to support her but it almost feels like I’m helping her to move on without me. Pushing her to forget about me and move on with life. Her happiness is number one to me. Have you ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? If not, the basic premise is 2 people fall in love. They inevitably break up and the pain is so much that they go to this place that can erase all memories of the situation. Her face, smell, feelings, everything. Pain gone. That is something I would do in a heart beat. Just have them remove all memory of the last 9 months. They say ignorance is bliss. I wish I could be ignorant right now.

They say it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I say the fucker who said that, has never truly loved and lost. It just makes me bitter. Hateful. Depressed. Unimportant. Unloved. I don’t know what the point of it all is. I just know I’m sick of being kicked in the balls by life. I just wish one good thing would happen to me…my mom…and it not be eventually covered in shit. Life is what you make it I guess. Wish my years of built up good karma would kick in. Wish I had died 20 years ago when I broke my neck like I should have.

Until next time…fuck you very much.

Side note…thanks to my Aunt Sally for the fresh strawberries.

Ok, I lied…

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Published on: May 3, 2012

I’m not all cried out. I’m sure my last post wasn’t very convincing anyway. Just realized what else I’m gonna miss while at the dentist today. Oh, went to the dentist today…anyway. The thing I miss is the closeness. You know, just being together. Happy in the silences. Just touching and holding each others hand. Caressing it, placing little kisses. Looking into each others eyes and seeing your other half. I miss that the most.

You’re probably wondering how I came to that realization at the dentist of all places. Simple really. The dental assistant there is a sweet lady. Very motherly, and affectionate. While the dentist was injecting me with the numbing agent. She was holding my hand as she always does and reassuringly caressing my hand and I fricken started tearing up. Caught me so off guard. I mean who does that shit? Anyway, so add one more thing to what I will miss with the absence of my lady love.

As for the dentist. Not horrible. They like removed a good portion of my gums from the bottom row of teeth. Hurts like hell now. I need some pain meds!

Talked with the former lady love this evening. Was doing fine, until it was time to say goodbye…cue said waterworks. I hate being like this. I feel like a whiny bitch. Yeah, so not all cried out. Far from it apparently. Better song title is “Cry Me a River.” I’m such a bitch lol

Until next time, fuck you very much.

All Cried Out…

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Published on: May 2, 2012

Yesterday was a shitty day. Probably the worse since that first day. I just felt overwhelming sadness. Luckily Drew was here to distract me from my own self pity. The more time that goes by, the more I realize how final it is. I’m glad we’re talking and it really has helped but…I don’t know. Maybe you can help. How’s this equation work? 2 people, still seemingly in love. 2 people who gave each other the best months of their lives. 2 people who are now miserable because they are not together. Why are these two people not together? The math just doesn’t fit…

I just don’t understand it. I wanna scream at the top of my lungs, but what would that solve? Maybe I should just drink until I’m stupid. Seems to work for others. No pain, no emotion, no feelings. Sounds like a great life to me right now. I can’t do that though. Gotta be strong for those that I care about. Sucks having to be the strong one all the time, but as the title implies; I’m all cried out.

That’s all folks!

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Published on: April 30, 2012

Well I talked with the former lady and got some closure I guess. We are truly done. I hope she finds what she’s looking for in life. No one deserves it more. Don’t worry (dramatic pause)…Apathetic Man is still in full effect. She’s going through some things and I hope to be there for her…as a friend. She’s more family to me than most of my real family. I hope her kids appreciate what she’s giving up because I’m a pretty fucking great catch 😉

Everybody else can still fuck off. No need for sympathy. I’ll survive, I always do. And I’ve done it without most of you. I do wanna thank Cody, Garic, Drew, and Allen for being there for me. And of course my mom and sis. I’d be in a truly fucked up state without them. Some would say I am in a truly fucked up state. I would tell them, you don’t fucking matter.

Just a bit of an update for those that matter, those that think they do, and those that like a good train wreck.

Until next time, fuck you very much.

No title needed…

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Published on: April 29, 2012

You know what sucks? Crying in front of your kids. The day after lovegate, yes I’ve decided to name my situation something lame and predictable and stupid. Anyway, the day after lovegate, the kids came home from school and I don’t know what was said but something led me to start crying in front of Tre and Tayonna. The more I tried to convince them I was okay, the more I blubbered like a baby. Today I learned that Tre’ confided in my mom about said incident and cried himself. It made me feel bad and good at the same time. While only 8 years old, he understands and empathizes with me. I jokingly told Cody that Tre was handling the break-up worse than I was. I love my sensitive little man. He’s trying to protect me too. Tayonna brought up the former lady this evening and Tre tried to get her to shut up looking all nervous and shit lol. It was kind of comical as well. Had to tell him it was ok…I’m ok. She can talk about her. I can’t pretend it never happened.

On another lovegate note. Two items from Oogie. First item. After I informed everyone of my failure as a man. Oogie at some point broke up with his imaginary girlfriend and cried and cried over it. Funny and sad. What’s odd about it, is I don’t think I cried in front of him at any point. Is it possible he felt my pain as well despite the brave front I tried to put on in front of them? Kids are perceptive little fucks.

Second item. Whenever I talked to Tiffany, I called her “babe” a lot. I never noticed it until the break up how often Oogie says it now. Cute but a somber reminder of what was. Whenever he’s on his toy phone or playing with his imaginary friends; It’s always, “Hey babe.” “Whatcha doing babe?”

I’ve been doing ok. Not eating well, but I’m sleeping ok. Though I find myself waking up in the middle of the night thinking. Having conversations with myself. Playing out different scenarios. Playing the “what if” game. The half-assed poem I wrote came to me while sleeping. Woke up and wrote it down in my phone. I’m trying, I really am. Well, I haven’t given up anyway. Hope is harder to shake than expected.

Not much point to this post, and really all over the place, but it’s amazing what kids pick up and use from you without really realizing it.

Day 172…

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Published on: April 28, 2012

Not really, but might as well be. I think it’s well and truly over. I was holding out hope we could work it out but like I said in an earlier post…”you can’t have what doesn’t want to be had.” I know, I said hope is bad. Love will make you do things you wouldn’t normally do. Anyway, we’re not even talking now. She told me twice she’d call so we could talk…nothing. Not even a courtesy text. Makes me wonder even more about what these last 8 months meant if anything. Today would have been our 9 month anniversary. Got a strange email late last night about her…has me…perplexed.

To my cousin Allen…you are immediate family. I should’ve been more clear. You are always welcome, and I understand about your busy schedule. I’ve never held a grudge about how things have gone with us. I’m proud of you, and respect what you’re doing with your life. Don’t ever think differently.

Short post but had to say something. Get it all out of my fucked up head.

So it’s day two…

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Published on: April 26, 2012

…of single life and it just gets harder and I just get angrier. You know what sucks about being a quadriplegic? I can’t throw shit and break shit. I don’t really have that urge today, but that first night as I lay in bed. There was a number of times where I just wanted to break something. I wanted to hurl my phone into my tv. I could see it so vividly, it was beautiful and scary. Scary, because I haven’t been like that since I was a teenager.

Yesterday I went about alienating those around me. I’d say it was a success. During that process of being a complete fucking tool, a voice spoke to me. To remind me that I’m not that asshole. He may be right, but I relish the opportunity. I’m tired of being the nice guy. Being walked on, taken advantage of. He also pointed out that douchebaggery and apathy were two different things. Agreed, but douchebaggery is an ends to a means. The douchebag in me will keep those in this world at arms length. Then if somehow they still wanna get to know me, be friends, whatever, (dramatic pause)…Apathetic Man is there to not give a fuck. So while the two may not be one and the same, they are a good fucking team.

Moving on. I read a quote today…”The ones you love will never leave you, because if there are a hundred reasons to give up, they will find one reason to hold on.” Bulllllllllll shit. It’s much easier to give up, trust me. I can think of 10 reasons not to give up, yet here I am alone. The love of my life already seems like a distant memory. Too far away to touch, to see, smell and feel. What’s the point of giving your all? To be the best man you can be for the greatest woman you have and ever will meet only to end up alone? This is why so many men are assholes. There’s nothing in it for us to be the good guy. Just heartbreak and loneliness. Seems like an unfair trade off. What’s fucked up is with all that said, I’d jump right back into it if given the opportunity. Once a sucker, always a sucker. I’ve racked my brain with how I could get her back, but you can’t have something that doesn’t want to be had. I went so far as proposal, but that’s just sad and pathetic and completely improbable.

Next subject…the start of a poem. I got the end down, but where to start. Doubt I’ll ever finish it as I’m not a poet in any sense of the word.

I’m done with this world
It’s been done with me for years
This guy right here
Is done with the tears

There is no soul, for there is no God
So the assertion of soul mates was always a fraud.

Nice premise, nice notion, nice thought
In the end, all it taught
Love is a lie
Now leave me to die

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