…of single life and it just gets harder and I just get angrier. You know what sucks about being a quadriplegic? I can’t throw shit and break shit. I don’t really have that urge today, but that first night as I lay in bed. There was a number of times where I just wanted to break something. I wanted to hurl my phone into my tv. I could see it so vividly, it was beautiful and scary. Scary, because I haven’t been like that since I was a teenager.
Yesterday I went about alienating those around me. I’d say it was a success. During that process of being a complete fucking tool, a voice spoke to me. To remind me that I’m not that asshole. He may be right, but I relish the opportunity. I’m tired of being the nice guy. Being walked on, taken advantage of. He also pointed out that douchebaggery and apathy were two different things. Agreed, but douchebaggery is an ends to a means. The douchebag in me will keep those in this world at arms length. Then if somehow they still wanna get to know me, be friends, whatever, (dramatic pause)…Apathetic Man is there to not give a fuck. So while the two may not be one and the same, they are a good fucking team.
Moving on. I read a quote today…”The ones you love will never leave you, because if there are a hundred reasons to give up, they will find one reason to hold on.” Bulllllllllll shit. It’s much easier to give up, trust me. I can think of 10 reasons not to give up, yet here I am alone. The love of my life already seems like a distant memory. Too far away to touch, to see, smell and feel. What’s the point of giving your all? To be the best man you can be for the greatest woman you have and ever will meet only to end up alone? This is why so many men are assholes. There’s nothing in it for us to be the good guy. Just heartbreak and loneliness. Seems like an unfair trade off. What’s fucked up is with all that said, I’d jump right back into it if given the opportunity. Once a sucker, always a sucker. I’ve racked my brain with how I could get her back, but you can’t have something that doesn’t want to be had. I went so far as proposal, but that’s just sad and pathetic and completely improbable.
Next subject…the start of a poem. I got the end down, but where to start. Doubt I’ll ever finish it as I’m not a poet in any sense of the word.
I’m done with this world
It’s been done with me for years
This guy right here
Is done with the tears
There is no soul, for there is no God
So the assertion of soul mates was always a fraud.
Nice premise, nice notion, nice thought
In the end, all it taught
Love is a lie
Now leave me to die