Nothing changes…

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Published on: June 27, 2012

I’m done trying. I give up. I don’t know why I thought things would be different this time. No GED pre-test for me today. No getting up. No new wheelchair. Just the same shit, different day. If not for the kids, I’d just completely check out. Nothing for me otherwise. No one to spend my life with, no goals, no cares, no point. I’m done.

2 months down…a lifetime to go…

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Published on: June 25, 2012

Yesterday marked 2 months since the split. I handled it much better than the 1 month un-niversary. It’s not any easier, but I’ve learned how to handle it better…don’t be a douche. I’m not gonna dwell on it…in this post.

I go Wednesday to take the GED pre-test. Then may have to wait to do the test until school starts as they(Iola Community College) might not have anybody to help me until then. Gonna start doing the weights Wednesday as well. Started once but they didn’t weigh shit so felt like a waste of time. Got some heavier weights now. May as well start my vitamins then too. Get my health on lol.

As for me, same old, same old. Some games, some movies, a lot of TV. Watched all of Arrested Development again. First couple of seasons of Archer. About done with Reaper, which makes me sad. Started Boardwalk Empire which is fantastic. Love Steve Buschemi. Also watched a fan edit of Star wars Ep. IV…fantabulous! Watching Han Solo shoot first totally gave me a chubby.

On a positive note. I wanna give much respect to my wonderful sister. She’s doing so well. She came down and stayed the week with us while my mom was in the hospital and did a great job. It’s good to see her doing so well. She’s come a long way. Proud of you sis! Keep it up…one day at a time. Love you.

Until next time…fuck you very much…

Dreams…

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Published on: June 5, 2012

Dreams fucking suck. What’s worse than a dream is waking up from a fucking dream. Realizing your still living the same shitty, miserable fucking life you were before. Nothings changed. You can probably guess what the dream was about. If not, well poo on you.

Anyway, I realistically know it’s over. It’s been over a month since the break up. I’ve poured my feelings out numerous times and and got shit in return. She’s made zero indication that she wants to get back together. She’s moved on, and wouldn’t surprise me if she already had another potential suitor. Yet I still cling to to the hope that I’ll say something and things will change. That she’ll suddenly say, “Oh Jamaal, I love you! Let’s give this another try.” I’ve done all I can and I’m still miserable.

I hate going to sleep, and even more so, I hate waking up. Dreams are a temporary escape to a wonderful time and place. But again, like Gollum, they’re not fucking real. Life goes on, and like it or not…it will never compare with wonderful fucking dreams. I’m a miserable fuck right now…

Until next time…fuck you very much.

It has begun…

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Published on: May 23, 2012

Got my weights today. Gonna start using them every day. Build up some muscle. Once my mom gets her shit together, start getting up 4-5x a week. Push a little. Sit outside with the kids. Enjoy life for what it is and not what I wish it was.

With that said…I’m a dumbass. I tried to do the clean break thing and it didn’t go well. I sent the former lady a long ass email which I will post here to show how pathetically desperate and still in love with her I am. I’ll give one guess what I got in response…nothing. Here’s the email…feel free to point and laugh…Edited for some content…

Why are you avoiding me like the plague? How can you switch off so easily when I’ve been nothing but loving to you. I’ve never once given you reason to doubt me or my love. I trusted you with my whole heart. When a problem popped up we talked about it and I understood. When you was **********************************. Upset at first, but we talked it through. When I found out about the *****…I understood. We talked it out. When you *******, I still didn’t go running. We were broken up, but I’m still by your side. I was ready to go to an ********* with you…still am. Seeing a theme here? We always worked it out by communicating. I think that’s what’s been the hardest for me. Is that you made this decision for us. We didn’t get a chance to talk it out. To figure out a solution.

I mean, it’s just so hard for me to understand. How we can go from 10-20 calls a day to nothing. And I know I said clean break, but I don’t think I can do it. I need you in my life. This has been the hardest week of my life not being able to hear your voice. This coming from a guy who broke his fucking neck. Your voice, your happiness, your smile is what keeps me going every day. Now I don’t have that. And even if it not happening, or true or whatever. All I can see is you with some douchebag like Josh or the creep you ********** or that Johnny guy. Three guys who don’t deserve to have such an incredible woman. I would do anything for you. Even be your friend. Because I need you in my life.

I’m working hard to become a better man. Not just for me, but for you as well. I’ll have my GED by end of August. Once the kids go back to school I plan on having my driver’s license within three months. Then after i get a proper van I’ll be driving. You won’t have to make the trip here all the time. I can come see you. Hang out with you and your kids. Get to know your family better. And if you never wanna hear from me again. If you’re no longer in love with me. Then tell me and I’ll never bother you again. But if you do still love me, then give me a chance. Give us a chance. I mean if our love is as strong as I believe it to be. Isn’t it worth it to at least try the long distance thing? When we talked we always said we’d do the marriage thing in 2-4 years. Is 2 years too long to wait for love? I want you to be Mrs. Tiffany Glaze. But only if you think we can. And this is not a proposal, but a promise. I will make you my wife if you are willing to take that that leap with me. I will find a way to make it work. I love you Tiffany, and would lay down my life for you. Give me that chance. I’m not asking you to move here, I’m just asking you to give us a chance. And like I said, I would gladly talk with the kids if they have doubts or concerns about me/us. Please think about it.

I love you. Please call me. Or if you’d like I can call you. I’m just afraid you won’t answer if I do. Tell me what’s on your mind. Help me understand you. I wanna understand.

Again, I’d have been fine having her say fuck off. I’d be hurt but it’s a response. But I guess no response is pretty much the same thing. Only my brain doesn’t see that. It sees that glimmer of hope. “Hey, she didn’t tell you to fuck off, so there’s still a chance.” Dumb, but what can I do? The heart sees hope, the mind sees reality. The heart always wins. With this last desperate gasp at love I shall leave it alone. If it’s meant to be it’ll happen. I’ve done what I can. Layed it all out for her. I’m a good man, a good person, friend, son, and uncle. Her loss. All I can be is me. Life goes on.

PS: typing with wrist weights on is haaaard.

Until next time…fuck you very much…and I still love you.

I’m doing ok now…for now.

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Published on: May 19, 2012

After reading the last blog numerous times I see I may have been a bit…dickish. We were together for 8 wonderful months. You don’t spend that amount of time with somebody and share what we shared. The smiles, laughs, tears. The long conversations about any and everything. Waking up in the middle of the night and knowing there was somebody you could call if you wanted to and they wouldn’t think twice about it. How dare I question what we had? It cheapens everything and that’s not how I will choose to remember it. I do stand by everything in the last paragraph of my last posting. Those thoughts do still haunt me.

I’ve always liked this quote, even if I haven’t lived by it. “The hardest challenges result in the greatest rewards.” I hope to live my life that way from here on out. There’s a chance I’ll fail at some point, but I’ll never know if I don’t try. And the rewards I’ll get from succeeding will far outweigh any failures I may have. I can pick myself up and try again if I do fail, but I can’t succeed if I don’t try. I hope the former lady love will take that to heart and while I do mean me in some part, I mean life in general for the most part. You learn more from your failures than you do your success. My failed relationship has proven that. I’ve never been more motivated to be all that I can be…I just wish I had a certain lady to share it with.

Until next time, I still love you…

What if’s and why’s…

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Published on: May 19, 2012

Yesterday I was sad, depressed, poor me, woe is me. Just a sad little man. Today I wake up grumpy and angry. I could be happy, but I’m not. I’m not because of a decision that I find asinine. Why should two people be miserable when they could easily be happy. Then I think, maybe it’s because I’m the only miserable one. Maybe she isn’t feeling the same pain. She may hurt because she hurt me, but other than that, she’s ok? That would explain my perceived coldness I feel coming from her. Maybe that’s the real Tiffany. I don’t know what’s worse. That she loved me and continues to love me and we’re not together. Or that she never loved me and just toyed with my emotions. Actually, I think it’s the not knowing which one it is.

Then I think. What do her peers and family think? Did they play a part? Did she go to anybody and convince her this was the way to go. Do her kids care? Did they have anything kind to say when it ended? Did they console her, or just shrug and walk away? I don’t know. I’m just not in a good place right now. I mean we could be together now. Helping each other. Pushing each other to be better. Summer’s coming up. Could be getting to know Connor and Clair better. Maybe if they knew me better. Maybe if they saw how happy me and Tiffany made each other. What if I had talked to them? Told them how much I loved their mother. Of course this is all based on the assumption she loves/loved me….

My mind is not a good place to be today.

You know what sucks…?

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Published on: May 18, 2012

No? Well I’ll tell you. Over and over again putting yourself out there. Saying everything that’s on your mind. Expressing yourself, and your feelings and getting nothing in return. That’s been one of the hardest things with this break up. That I revealed my heart, and yes soul to only get “I know.” “You’re right.” and “I’m sorry.” in return. Makes me feel like an ass. Like after we got done talking she couldn’t wait to share my patheticness with those around her and laugh. And I know I said patheticness, I also know it’s not a word, but I regret nothing I’ve said. I regret what I did, but nothing of what I said. If I didn’t say everything on my mind then I wouldn’t be true to myself. If I didn’t try my damndest then I didn’t deserve her.

And realistically I do know we’re over. I know this, but there just seems to be unfinished business because it ended so suddenly. Like more could have been said or done to prevent this. I find myself doing things I know I shouldn’t be doing, but I do anyway. Almost like I’m poking the bear to try and get a reaction…any reaction. Alas, I get nothing. Which continues to poke back at me. Makes me question how much she loved me if at all. Was I just a distraction for her life so when things got real she high-tailed it out of here. She just seems cold since the break up. No emotion and it’s a bit scary and sad. Because that’s not the woman I felt I knew.

I also found that I’m really missing the intimacy. Not the sex…don’t get me wrong, I miss that too but after 18 years of no physical contact, then finally having that again. It’s almost euphoric. To just be able to hold someone’s hand. It’s so bad, craigslist is quickly seeming like a great option. I’m guessing not a lot of ladies out there are looking for a 35year old quadriplegic. I’m not looking for a relationship. Had the best one I could ever hope to have. I just want that intimacy back and right now, I’ll take it from just about anywhere…I’m a sad little man. I’ve probably said too much so I’m gonna stop.

Until next time…fuck you very much.

Making moves…

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Published on: May 15, 2012

Well I just made a long ass post, but it didn’t fucking post so here’s the abridged version…

I got rid of a bunch of non-essential expenses to the tune of $130 a month to hopefully fund needs I have. The main need is to drive. I saw some people on youtube with my level of injury and higher driving. It was freeing to see. You know how much that would help me and my mom? Not having to get me, and 3 kids ready, possibly find a babysitter, pay for said babysitter, get us all loaded in, drop me off, then do it all over when I’m ready to be picked up. To be able to take the kids to their various functions when she’s not feeling upto it or has other things to do. And I know this is likely 3-5years in the future, but it’s something I can see in my future…something to strive for. Something I can and will make happen.

It also brought up some what if’s. What if I had been able to drive when with the former lady. Would that have changed things? Being able to drive there instead of her having to make the trip here every week. Spending more time with her and her family. Seeing each other multiple times a week. Don’t worry, I’m not dwelling on it. Just a thought that crossed my mind. It’s another thought that’s making me wanna improve myself…for me. To help unburden those around me.

Also if you haven’t. Check out apparelyzed.com/forums It has helped me tons and I’ve only posted there a couple times. It’s good to know, others know what I’m going through. You should really check it out just to see what I go through and don’t really talk about.

Until next time…fuck you very much.

Ties have been cut…

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Published on: May 13, 2012

I poured my heart out and got my answer. That answer was given to me in the form of a craigslist ad. I won’t go into detail, but I was being a douche, got into someone’s email and there in black and white was my answer. I fucked up I know. Shitty thing to do. I was desperate. But I guess I have my conflict I needed right? Lies, deceit, jealousy, trust issues, fear, kids. It’s the relationship ending gumbo.

Life will never be as bright without her in it but I gotta try and move forward. Still gonna do the GED thing and still gonna do the college thing, which scares the fuck out of me. But I refuse to be ruled by fear. I’ve seen what it does. I will become a better man for those who do want to be a part of my life.

With that said, I still believe in second chances. I hope one day something changes and we find ourselves back together, but I’m not planning for that future anymore. All I can be is me and hope that’s enough. This time it wasn’t.

Until next time…Good luck Tiffany, I hope you find what you’re looking for and find that happiness that eludes you. You deserve it.

Drinking can be good…

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Published on: May 12, 2012

I gotta say it was a pretty good night. I may have had a taaaaad too much and when it hit it hard. But during this, we had some real meaningful conversation. We had some inappropriate conversation as well ;). I said some things I never would have said had I not been drunk. They know way more intimate detail than needs be lol. I also sent an inappropriate text or two before the phone was taken away from me by my cousins lol. Probably a good move.

Besides the inappropriate talk, we had some really positive conversation. There were some tears shed by me but it wasn’t all negative tears. It reaffirmed just how much I love the lady. But I came to other realizations as well. That if she’s not willing to be there for me body, heart, and soul then I need to step away. I’m worth it and if she can’t see that then her loss. I’m 100% sure of my love for her. And I’m 100% sure that I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with her. But if she can’t commit for whatever reason. Whether it’s fear, her kids, or she just doesn’t feel the same amount of love that I do. Then I have to step away. It hurts too much to try and just be her friend when I love her so much and that love is not returned. I do believe she loves me and that’s what makes this so hard. The fact that we love each other…yet we’re apart. For no good reason other than fear. No betrayal on either party, no big fight. Nothing but we’re not together. I was talking to a good friend, one I probably don’t deserve, and she explained it perfectly. “Without the hurt there is hope, and that’s not fair.” I can’t hold on to that hope forever. It’ll fucking destroy me. So again. If she can’t be there for me body, heart, and soul then we need to move on. I know I’ll never find another Tiffany. One who gets me, and accepts me for me. Someone who doesn’t see a man in a wheelchair, but a man. I also know I can’t hold on to her with the hope that she’ll “come around”. It’s not fair to either one of us.

I’ll know very soon where we stand. Then the healing or rejoicing can begin. I poured my heart and soul out. I’ve done what I can. I hope she sees that.

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