Well, the funeral was Wednesday and it was the hardest day of my life. It’d be so much easier if you knew what awaited you after death. Everybody kept trying to comfort me by saying, “she’s in a better place now.” Or “she’s watching over us now, smiling down.” How do you know? You don’t. It might be what you believe, but you don’t know. Nobody does. And if they say they do, they’re lying, crazy, or both. I don’t deny the existence of God, I’m just skeptical. Faith based religion just seems very convenient. The “we have no proof, you just gotta have faith” stuff.

I don’t know. The only comfort I can take from this is that she’s no longer in pain, and I was fortunate enough to have known her. To learn from her, and hopefully keep her memory alive for future generations by being a good son, uncle, cousin, friend, and eventually brother(she who shall not be named still drives me crazy).

Soon we’ll be back to my regularly scheduled blog posts full of “reality” TV, obscure movies, comics, and random shite. Just not yet. Stay classy people. Love your loved ones cuz you never know how long they’ll be here.

…I can take it. But it’s getting mighty fuckin’ hard this time. My grandmother is in a bad way. I’m not good with dealing with emotions and feelings and shit. I prefer to keep everything bottled up. Death is one thing I really can’t deal with. It hurts too fuckin’ bad. My hope has always been for me to die long before any of my family or friends. Selfish I know, but I figure I’m more of a burden anyway. People’d be sad for a little while but they’d be free and I wouldn’t have to deal with death. I just don’t know how to handle it.

Now my grandmother is fighting for her life and I’m emotionally numb. She was the one person I could talk to about anything. In a time where I had no respect for anyone or anything, I respected and loved my grandparents. No matter how bad I fucked up, and I fucked up a lot. She was always there to give me a good talking to, not with malice or anger. With compassion and a little bit of disappointment. Well maybe a lot of disappointment. And I hated it. Not that she was disappointed. I hated that I had disappointed her.

I talk bad about my family a lot. I will say, without a large portion of my family. I’d be a much more bitter, and hateful human being. I don’t know if I’d be here right now if not for them. They’ve been my strength, and the strongest one of them all is my Grandmother.

Makes me question life. What’s the point of it all? In the big picture, what have I done for this world? When I’m gone, will anyone care? Do I care? Makes believing in God easier that’s for sure. To think that after your dead, heaven awaits. You’ll be reunited with loved ones. That it’s all a part of a much bigger plan and life is just the beginning. But what if it’s not? What if death is the end. Was living life worth it? Was all the pain and hurt in life worth it? I don’t know. I know right now, I’m leaning towards no. Life sucks, then you die. The end. The pain of it all sucks and I hate it.

I love you Grandma. Please get better. The world will be a far emptier place without you in it. My life will be a far emptier place.

I should be back to posting regularly soon. My laptop went in to be fixed today and I’m also ordering a new Dell. I’m done with alienware. Unfortunately the new Dell has Vista instead of XP. I’ll get used to it I’m sure, but I really liked XP. 100x the improvement over Windows98, and from what I hear Vista is a step back. I thought about getting a Mac for like a quarter of a second. Then my irrational hatred of all things Apple stepped in and slapped the shit out of me. Anyway for you techno geeks, here’s the skinny on the laptop.

XPS M1530 – Intel® Core™ 2 Duo Processor T8300 (2.4GHz/800Mhz FSB, 3MB Cache)
Operating System – Genuine Windows Vista® Home Premium Edition
Memory – 4GB Shared Dual Channel DDR2 SDRAM at 667MHz (2 Dimms)
LCD, Color and camera – High Resolution, glossy widescreen 15.4 inch LCD(1440×900) & 2MP Camera
Video Card – 256MB NVIDIA® GeForce® 8600M GT
Hard Drives – Speed: 250GB 7200rpm SATA Hard Drive Free Fall Sensor
Combo or DVD+RW Drive – Slot Load Blu -ray Disc (BD/DVD/CD read/write)
Sound Card – Integrated Sound Blaster Audigy HD Software Edition
Wireless Networking Cards – Intel Next-Gen Wireless-N Mini-card
SECURITY – Finger Print Reader XPS M1530
Bluetooth and Wireless USB – Dell Wireless 355 Bluetooth Internal (2.0+Enhanced Data Rate)
Not too shabby and about 2 grand less than my alienware.

Next item up for debate…The Office returning. Has there ever been a more uncomfortable or awkward episode than this last one? Just brutal…ly funny! Poor, poor Michael and his 13 inch LCD Hi-def TV. Not to mention his Dundee…his Dundee for God’s sake! He needs to get out of that relationship as soon as possible. Horrible sitch…shit, I just said “sitch”…I’m watching too much Kim Possible. Anyway, great return episode. Can’t wait for tomorrow. Earl was just meh, and Scrubs continues to bring the funny. Shame it’s in it’s final season yet ER just keeps on going.

Next, is the Clinton campaign so desperate that the worst dirt they can find on Obama is a small speech about a bunch of gun-toting, Jesus freaks. The “bitter” comment may have been off…a little, but he was right on again. I live right in the middle of it and it’s a bit ridiculous on the attitudes that still exist around here. I have no problem with religion…well almost. If believing in an all-powerful omnipotent being, makes you a better person, or gives you purpose in life, who am I to argue? BUT if you do follow the bible and it’s teachings, it should be the whole Bible..with a little common sense. Of course it contradicts itself a number a times. You can’t just pick out the parts you like and ignore the rest. Love thy neighbor. Not just the white ones, or straight ones, or Christian ones. Nowhere in the bible did I read that only the aforementioned are worthy of God’s love. Ok, I know, there’s some harsh things about the gay folk, but they are still your fellow man(or woman).

Like Chris Rock said, “If it ain’t white, it ain’t right.” That’s pretty much the feeling in these parts. I’m clearly not saying everyone is like that around here but it’s a very real feeling and attitude. Of course I’m only speaking of the Christian religion cuz it’s all I know of, what with being raised that way. Nowadays, my faith is all but gone. I don’t deny that there may be a God, but I’m not convinced of it. At this point, it would take a lot to convince me. Damn it, now I’ve gone off on a tangent and got away from my point…if I had one…hmmm. Anyway, I don’t know a lot about politics, and what I do know is based on just what I pick up here and there on the Jon Stewart Show and the Colbert Report. I do know, I am not a fan of Hillary. I know very little of McCain, who I’m sure is our next President by default. America’s not ready for a female or black president and that’s a shame. I know the most about Obama. Not his policies but the man…and I like the man….so there really wasn’t a point as I’m not even voting.

I had more to talk about but this post is long enough with my inane ramblings and whatnot.

That is all.