Yesterday was a shitty day. Probably the worse since that first day. I just felt overwhelming sadness. Luckily Drew was here to distract me from my own self pity. The more time that goes by, the more I realize how final it is. I’m glad we’re talking and it really has helped but…I don’t know. Maybe you can help. How’s this equation work? 2 people, still seemingly in love. 2 people who gave each other the best months of their lives. 2 people who are now miserable because they are not together. Why are these two people not together? The math just doesn’t fit…

I just don’t understand it. I wanna scream at the top of my lungs, but what would that solve? Maybe I should just drink until I’m stupid. Seems to work for others. No pain, no emotion, no feelings. Sounds like a great life to me right now. I can’t do that though. Gotta be strong for those that I care about. Sucks having to be the strong one all the time, but as the title implies; I’m all cried out.

Well I talked with the former lady and got some closure I guess. We are truly done. I hope she finds what she’s looking for in life. No one deserves it more. Don’t worry (dramatic pause)…Apathetic Man is still in full effect. She’s going through some things and I hope to be there for her…as a friend. She’s more family to me than most of my real family. I hope her kids appreciate what she’s giving up because I’m a pretty fucking great catch

Everybody else can still fuck off. No need for sympathy. I’ll survive, I always do. And I’ve done it without most of you. I do wanna thank Cody, Garic, Drew, and Allen for being there for me. And of course my mom and sis. I’d be in a truly fucked up state without them. Some would say I am in a truly fucked up state. I would tell them, you don’t fucking matter.

Just a bit of an update for those that matter, those that think they do, and those that like a good train wreck.

Until next time, fuck you very much.

You know what sucks? Crying in front of your kids. The day after lovegate, yes I’ve decided to name my situation something lame and predictable and stupid. Anyway, the day after lovegate, the kids came home from school and I don’t know what was said but something led me to start crying in front of Tre and Tayonna. The more I tried to convince them I was okay, the more I blubbered like a baby. Today I learned that Tre’ confided in my mom about said incident and cried himself. It made me feel bad and good at the same time. While only 8 years old, he understands and empathizes with me. I jokingly told Cody that Tre was handling the break-up worse than I was. I love my sensitive little man. He’s trying to protect me too. Tayonna brought up the former lady this evening and Tre tried to get her to shut up looking all nervous and shit lol. It was kind of comical as well. Had to tell him it was ok…I’m ok. She can talk about her. I can’t pretend it never happened.

On another lovegate note. Two items from Oogie. First item. After I informed everyone of my failure as a man. Oogie at some point broke up with his imaginary girlfriend and cried and cried over it. Funny and sad. What’s odd about it, is I don’t think I cried in front of him at any point. Is it possible he felt my pain as well despite the brave front I tried to put on in front of them? Kids are perceptive little fucks.

Second item. Whenever I talked to Tiffany, I called her “babe” a lot. I never noticed it until the break up how often Oogie says it now. Cute but a somber reminder of what was. Whenever he’s on his toy phone or playing with his imaginary friends; It’s always, “Hey babe.” “Whatcha doing babe?”

I’ve been doing ok. Not eating well, but I’m sleeping ok. Though I find myself waking up in the middle of the night thinking. Having conversations with myself. Playing out different scenarios. Playing the “what if” game. The half-assed poem I wrote came to me while sleeping. Woke up and wrote it down in my phone. I’m trying, I really am. Well, I haven’t given up anyway. Hope is harder to shake than expected.

Not much point to this post, and really all over the place, but it’s amazing what kids pick up and use from you without really realizing it.

Not really, but might as well be. I think it’s well and truly over. I was holding out hope we could work it out but like I said in an earlier post…”you can’t have what doesn’t want to be had.” I know, I said hope is bad. Love will make you do things you wouldn’t normally do. Anyway, we’re not even talking now. She told me twice she’d call so we could talk…nothing. Not even a courtesy text. Makes me wonder even more about what these last 8 months meant if anything. Today would have been our 9 month anniversary. Got a strange email late last night about her…has me…perplexed.

To my cousin Allen…you are immediate family. I should’ve been more clear. You are always welcome, and I understand about your busy schedule. I’ve never held a grudge about how things have gone with us. I’m proud of you, and respect what you’re doing with your life. Don’t ever think differently.

Short post but had to say something. Get it all out of my fucked up head.

…of single life and it just gets harder and I just get angrier. You know what sucks about being a quadriplegic? I can’t throw shit and break shit. I don’t really have that urge today, but that first night as I lay in bed. There was a number of times where I just wanted to break something. I wanted to hurl my phone into my tv. I could see it so vividly, it was beautiful and scary. Scary, because I haven’t been like that since I was a teenager.

Yesterday I went about alienating those around me. I’d say it was a success. During that process of being a complete fucking tool, a voice spoke to me. To remind me that I’m not that asshole. He may be right, but I relish the opportunity. I’m tired of being the nice guy. Being walked on, taken advantage of. He also pointed out that douchebaggery and apathy were two different things. Agreed, but douchebaggery is an ends to a means. The douchebag in me will keep those in this world at arms length. Then if somehow they still wanna get to know me, be friends, whatever, (dramatic pause)…Apathetic Man is there to not give a fuck. So while the two may not be one and the same, they are a good fucking team.

Moving on. I read a quote today…”The ones you love will never leave you, because if there are a hundred reasons to give up, they will find one reason to hold on.” Bulllllllllll shit. It’s much easier to give up, trust me. I can think of 10 reasons not to give up, yet here I am alone. The love of my life already seems like a distant memory. Too far away to touch, to see, smell and feel. What’s the point of giving your all? To be the best man you can be for the greatest woman you have and ever will meet only to end up alone? This is why so many men are assholes. There’s nothing in it for us to be the good guy. Just heartbreak and loneliness. Seems like an unfair trade off. What’s fucked up is with all that said, I’d jump right back into it if given the opportunity. Once a sucker, always a sucker. I’ve racked my brain with how I could get her back, but you can’t have something that doesn’t want to be had. I went so far as proposal, but that’s just sad and pathetic and completely improbable.

Next subject…the start of a poem. I got the end down, but where to start. Doubt I’ll ever finish it as I’m not a poet in any sense of the word.

…hope for the best. I call bullshit on the second half of that quote. All hope does is crush whatever shred of happiness you may have had. Yes, my cynical side is returning. I’ve decided to call him (dramatic pause)…Apathetic Man! The power to deflect feelings with wanton disregard. You can’t penetrate his shield of distrust and apathy. When things go to shit, he’ll be there…not because he cares, but just the opposite. He doesn’t. He’s already moved on to the future. Not with hope of a better day, but of, what’s next? Oh he enjoys it when things do go well, but he has no hope it’ll continue…as he is (dramatic pause)…Apathetic Man!

You ask yourself…”Why the return of (dramatic pause)…Apathetic Man!” I’d say it was old trust issues, years of being a cynical asshole. Glass half empty with a big crack kind of guy. Old habits are hard to break. 10 months of happiness is pretty good right? Things are slipping though. Doubts, doubts of others and doubts of myself. I’m steadfast on my position, but (dramatic pause)…Apathetic Man! is trying to step in. Screaming, “Don’t let me die!” “We were so good together, you and I.” “Don’t put yourself in the position to be hurt.” “Be (dramatic pause)…Apathetic Man!” Which is easy to do. I’ve noticed I’ve slipped back into that over the last week or so. I’ve been cold, grumpy, non-committal. It’s not fair to those around me but how else do I avoid being hurt? Is it worth it to go all in, knowing you could be crushed. Past experiences tell me hell no. But when things are good, they are so fucking good. But then (dramatic pause)…Apathetic Man! shows up and I wonder…is it real? Am I kidding myself? Can I truly be loved? So there it is. The reason for the return of (dramatic pause)…Apathetic Man. Love.

Not sure where else to go with this, so I’ll just end it here. Great comeback post huh? Real fucking downer…to a normal human being. But not to (dramatic pause)…Apathetic Man!

“Expect the worse. That way you can’t be upset or hurt when it happens. Words to live by.”

Well, I haven’t quite blogged like I said I would now have I? I’m sure the 1-2 people who read it will survive. There have been some serious changes around here. Some infuckingcredible, they can also be referenced as unfuckingbelievable.

I, Jamaal Glaze, fucked around and some how got himself a lady friend. A lady friend you say. Yes, a lady friend I reply. 18 years I have avoided the world outside my room. Never feeling the need to mingle amongst the people in it. Shit, I felt I had it pretty good. I have 4 awesome fucking friends. My social needs were easily met with them. It’s been a process getting to this point but I got there and was very content.

Then something happened. A little thing called Twitter. Now I never use Twitter, it had been a couple years since I updated my ‘feed’. But lo and behold I get a twitter message from someone from my past. Like way past. Like 20 years past. Just a short message…@LilFnCube im tiffany***** we were friendswhen we were kids atrichardsgebauer..wldluv2hearfromu 816******* do u remember me

I almost ignored the message, as I honestly hadn’t a clue who she was and I sure as hell wasn’t calling her. I did eventually message her back. Had a little back and forth on twitter, and I eventually remembered her…a little.  I was apparently her first kiss.  As we talked more and more she quickly became known as my stalker by everyone around here.  I tried everything I could to scare her off.  I have many issues, the main one being my crippledness.  Of course some would say my emotional hurdles are much higher than my physical ones.  I laid it all out there.  It never fazed her.  She kept requesting I call her…I don’t call people.  Especially a stalker lol.  Finally her persistence paid off and I gave a little and we started texting.  Through texting things progressed…Fast.  I won’t go into details, but I will say, the details are very good and that she finally got her phone call.  It was pretty awkward, as I expected, but I got it out of the way

So despite doing all I could to scare her off she kept coming.  A couple more calls and lots of texting later we agreed to meet up.  I figured if she saw my crippledness, that would definitely send her running.  Though I was also curious if there was any chance for something more.  I knew she was interested, but I was still skeptical.  Its just not something I ever wanted again…ever.  I was perfectly content going through life alone.  I figured at best, I would gain a lifelong friend.  We had a lot in common, she seemed like a good person.  She’d come, realize I was not prime dating material and move on, right?

Wrooooong. We hit it off.  Boy did we hit it off.  My stalker was quickly becoming much much more.  And sure enough, two days later we were officially a couple.  It’s still weird…and scary, very.  I’ve never been in an adult relationship.  I’m 34 years old and I don’t have a friend over the age of 21.  We’re figuring it out together though.  I’m really digging her.  When I’m with her, it just feels right.  Like that is the way it was always meant to be.  Maybe it’s that I haven’t been with a lady in any capacity in 18 years.  I just know I like it…alot.  We have a 3 day weekend planned next weekend. I’m beyond excited about it.  I don’t believe in fate but if it exists, I think my current relationship is what you point at as evidence of it.  Otherwise it makes no fucking sense lol

Last night I went to a screening for Kevin Smith’s latest movie Red State. I’m gonna say, right up front, from all the reviews I had seen prior. I had very little interest in the film. My main reason for going was to see Kevin Smith. Due to very unfortunate circumstances, I was unable to see him at comic-con a few years back. Things got off to a great start when we arrived at The Midland Theater in Kansas City. Why, you ask. You asked, trust me. The reason being Fred Phelps and his group of gay-bashing brethren were there picketing the movie. The main antagonist of the movie is based on Fred Phelps. It was glorious to see and it only gets better. We go inside, and we have seats maybe five rows back from the stage…awesome.

Kevin Smith then proceeds to come out and introduce his movie and point out that there are some special guests in the audience tonight. Megan Phelps(Fred Phelps grand-daughter) and 14 other WBC members. Smith invited them to review the movie after the screening and they accepted. This however never came to fruition as Smith, who ripped them before the movie started in the only way he can. A verbal assault that had everybody laughin’ their asses off. After the movie ended, Smith once again took to the stage and informed us that the Phelps family had left 15 minutes into the film deeming it “filthy”. But wait, it gets even better. After a few inane questions from the audience, two people(Libby and Josh Phelps) who left the WBC introduced themselves, and giddy as shit Kevin Smith invites them on-stage. From here on out the Q&A has now turned into an interview with these two former members as we get a glimpse into their lives while they lived in the church and how they’ve adjusted to being free from the family. It was just fascinating. Made the whole experience 100x better.

As for the movie, I enjoyed it. It’s far from a horror movie however. More like a thriller, with some humor mixed in extremely well. Michael Parks was fucking incredible as the Fred Phelps-like character. John Goodman almost stole the show with his performance. He really needs to work more. He’s awesome. You never know what’s going to happen and it has some surprising moments. I’d give it a very solid 4 out of 5.

I hope it does well when it’s officially released and I hope the official DVD release has footage from the KC show in the extras. It was easily the best part of the night. Oh and Gates BBQ after the show wasn’t too bad either…mmmmmmh barbecue.

*edit* Here’s some video from said event with the Phelps’

PS: Fuck Phelps and the WBC, gay people rock!
PPS: Line of the night for me was delivered by Kevin Smith when talking about how some people equate all Christians with the WBC and how he has to explain how he’s not one of those Christians. And I quote, “I’m one of those other Christians. The kind that likes to smoke weed and eat ass.”

And I’m out.

Well, had the big family x-mas yesterday and unfortunately I was in attendance. Despite my vow to never attend one of these shindigs again, I was guilted into going by my gramps. He’s good, he’s very good. As per usual, I avoided everyone and everyone avoided me. I’m not complaining, I prefer it this way. I’m just not a big conversationalist. Especially not with the extended fam.

Though it could have been much worse. Thanks to Rock Band 3 and Douglas Adams it was an ok time. We played a bunch of rock band. Couldn’t convince anyone to sing…pussies. So I did all the singing. When we took our first break, I slapped on my ipod, cranked it up and started reading “So Long, and Thanks For All The Fish.” by Douglas Adams on my Kindle. Really liking it. Then we got our Rock Band on again which was followed by the opening of the presents which I also avoided by slappin’ on the trusty old ipod and playing some Angry Birds on my phone. Mission accomplished.

Now to figure out a way to avoid next year. Dang grandpa and his power of persuasion/guilt. Aw well, I’d do anything for him so I’m sure I’ll be back next year. As long as I have my ipod and kindle, I’ll survive

That is all…wait no it isn’t…

What the fuck Magic!? Hedo and Arenas? Are you trying to destroy the team? All I gotta say is Jameer better start. Arenas can fuck off to the bench, and Turk can just fuck off. God I hate this trade…FUCK!

With my oh so exciting life, I haven’t blogged as much as I’d like. So now I’m just bloggin’ to be bloggin’. Prepare for your mind to be blown. Or not, whatever.

Talked to my sister. She’s in some sober house in Missouri. I’m not holding my breath or anything. You know me, expect the worst, then your not disappointed when it happens. She got her 30 day chip a week or so ago. It’s hard to get excited about these things when you’ve been beat down so many times by hope. Fuck hope!

Had the big family Thanksgiving Saturday. Ive been told the kids were good. I didn’t go. Not a fan. I sat home, got caught up on some shows, played a little 360. Just a little me time before the hellions returned home. Best part of Thanksgiving…cherry cheese cake. Oh and thanks for the piece of pumpkin pie Sally!

Haven’t read anything since I finished Salem’s Lot, which I enjoyed a lot. Might have to read some more Stephen King…shut up Allen! Gonna start something today. Not sure what yet. Since my last “what I’ve read” post, Ive only read a couple things. I read the first two books in Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles. I liked ‘Interview with a Vampire’ better than ‘The Vampire Lestat’, though I really enjoyed reading about Lestat’s past. The rock ‘n’ roll crap was kind of lame though. Also read Elric: The Stealer of Souls. Its like Conan the Barbarian, but Elric is albino, weak, and wields a mystical sword that feeds off the souls of it’s victims making Elric strong like bull. Good stuff. That’s really about it.

I’ve watched Scott Pilgrim vs the World about 10 times in the last couple weeks. So much fun. Easily my favorite movie of the year. Started watching the newest season of Dexter. Looks like its gonna be another good one. Though just two episodes in, it’s reminding me a lot of season two with Doakes. Season two spoiler, skip next two sentences…I hope it ends the same as well. I’ve never liked Quinn.

That’s about it. Oh ond a busy week for me. Gotta go to my friends play Thursday or Friday, Cousin’s college b-ball game Saturday, and Tre’s x-mas program Monday. On top of that, its fucking cold! Oh the joy of being me.