I’ve always liked this quote, even if I haven’t lived by it. “The hardest challenges result in the greatest rewards.” I hope to live my life that way from here on out. There’s a chance I’ll fail at some point, but I’ll never know if I don’t try. And the rewards I’ll get from succeeding will far outweigh any failures I may have. I can pick myself up and try again if I do fail, but I can’t succeed if I don’t try. I hope the former lady love will take that to heart and while I do mean me in some part, I mean life in general for the most part. You learn more from your failures than you do your success. My failed relationship has proven that. I’ve never been more motivated to be all that I can be…I just wish I had a certain lady to share it with.

Until next time, I still love you…

Then I think. What do her peers and family think? Did they play a part? Did she go to anybody and convince her this was the way to go. Do her kids care? Did they have anything kind to say when it ended? Did they console her, or just shrug and walk away? I don’t know. I’m just not in a good place right now. I mean we could be together now. Helping each other. Pushing each other to be better. Summer’s coming up. Could be getting to know Connor and Clair better. Maybe if they knew me better. Maybe if they saw how happy me and Tiffany made each other. What if I had talked to them? Told them how much I loved their mother. Of course this is all based on the assumption she loves/loved me….

My mind is not a good place to be today.

And realistically I do know we’re over. I know this, but there just seems to be unfinished business because it ended so suddenly. Like more could have been said or done to prevent this. I find myself doing things I know I shouldn’t be doing, but I do anyway. Almost like I’m poking the bear to try and get a reaction…any reaction. Alas, I get nothing. Which continues to poke back at me. Makes me question how much she loved me if at all. Was I just a distraction for her life so when things got real she high-tailed it out of here. She just seems cold since the break up. No emotion and it’s a bit scary and sad. Because that’s not the woman I felt I knew.

I also found that I’m really missing the intimacy. Not the sex…don’t get me wrong, I miss that too but after 18 years of no physical contact, then finally having that again. It’s almost euphoric. To just be able to hold someone’s hand. It’s so bad, craigslist is quickly seeming like a great option. I’m guessing not a lot of ladies out there are looking for a 35year old quadriplegic. I’m not looking for a relationship. Had the best one I could ever hope to have. I just want that intimacy back and right now, I’ll take it from just about anywhere…I’m a sad little man. I’ve probably said too much so I’m gonna stop.

Until next time…fuck you very much.

I got rid of a bunch of non-essential expenses to the tune of $130 a month to hopefully fund needs I have. The main need is to drive. I saw some people on youtube with my level of injury and higher driving. It was freeing to see. You know how much that would help me and my mom? Not having to get me, and 3 kids ready, possibly find a babysitter, pay for said babysitter, get us all loaded in, drop me off, then do it all over when I’m ready to be picked up. To be able to take the kids to their various functions when she’s not feeling upto it or has other things to do. And I know this is likely 3-5years in the future, but it’s something I can see in my future…something to strive for. Something I can and will make happen.

It also brought up some what if’s. What if I had been able to drive when with the former lady. Would that have changed things? Being able to drive there instead of her having to make the trip here every week. Spending more time with her and her family. Seeing each other multiple times a week. Don’t worry, I’m not dwelling on it. Just a thought that crossed my mind. It’s another thought that’s making me wanna improve myself…for me. To help unburden those around me.

Also if you haven’t. Check out apparelyzed.com/forums It has helped me tons and I’ve only posted there a couple times. It’s good to know, others know what I’m going through. You should really check it out just to see what I go through and don’t really talk about.

Until next time…fuck you very much.

Life will never be as bright without her in it but I gotta try and move forward. Still gonna do the GED thing and still gonna do the college thing, which scares the fuck out of me. But I refuse to be ruled by fear. I’ve seen what it does. I will become a better man for those who do want to be a part of my life.

With that said, I still believe in second chances. I hope one day something changes and we find ourselves back together, but I’m not planning for that future anymore. All I can be is me and hope that’s enough. This time it wasn’t.

Until next time…Good luck Tiffany, I hope you find what you’re looking for and find that happiness that eludes you. You deserve it.

Besides the inappropriate talk, we had some really positive conversation. There were some tears shed by me but it wasn’t all negative tears. It reaffirmed just how much I love the lady. But I came to other realizations as well. That if she’s not willing to be there for me body, heart, and soul then I need to step away. I’m worth it and if she can’t see that then her loss. I’m 100% sure of my love for her. And I’m 100% sure that I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with her. But if she can’t commit for whatever reason. Whether it’s fear, her kids, or she just doesn’t feel the same amount of love that I do. Then I have to step away. It hurts too much to try and just be her friend when I love her so much and that love is not returned. I do believe she loves me and that’s what makes this so hard. The fact that we love each other…yet we’re apart. For no good reason other than fear. No betrayal on either party, no big fight. Nothing but we’re not together. I was talking to a good friend, one I probably don’t deserve, and she explained it perfectly. “Without the hurt there is hope, and that’s not fair.” I can’t hold on to that hope forever. It’ll fucking destroy me. So again. If she can’t be there for me body, heart, and soul then we need to move on. I know I’ll never find another Tiffany. One who gets me, and accepts me for me. Someone who doesn’t see a man in a wheelchair, but a man. I also know I can’t hold on to her with the hope that she’ll “come around”. It’s not fair to either one of us.

I’ll know very soon where we stand. Then the healing or rejoicing can begin. I poured my heart and soul out. I’ve done what I can. I hope she sees that.

Still need to call about the GED…I’ll get there.

Birthday coming up Friday. No real plans other than to get passed out drunk. Hopefully I’ll wake up and the pain will be gone…That’s how it works right? I’m a little new to this drink the pain away thing. I’ll try not to make it a habit.

Until next time…fuck you very much.

In other news, haven’t heard from the former lady love since the big speech. Not sure how I feel about it. I threw a lot at her in said speech. Only time will tell I guess. Watching Grandma’s Boy now which is probably a bad idea. Reminds me of better times. One of the first movies we watched together. Pretty funny movie if you haven’t seen it.

Gonna call and see what I need to do to get my GED tomorrow. Should be easy enough. Looking to the future I guess…we’ll see.

Until next time, fuck you very much.

As for me, we’ll see how long this positivity lasts. I’m hoping to keep it going. Get out more, even if it’s just out front with the kids. Be a better man for me and in extension those I care about. It won’t be easy but I gotta do something.

And just for the record, this positivity hit me 6 hours before reading your post Cody I appreciate your words though. It’ll be my strength going forward.

Until next time…thank you very much…oh and fuck you

I keep thinking, give it time. She’ll come back. Her kids will see how much we love and need one another, but it’s not gonna happen. I was perfectly ok with my life before her. With her I got a glimpse of true happiness. Will things get better? It could happen I guess, but no matter how much things improve, I know I’ll never be the same without her. I’ll never know true happiness again.

The former lady seems to be doing ok. We’ve talked a little here and there. She’s looking to move out on her own. I’ll still be here to support her but it almost feels like I’m helping her to move on without me. Pushing her to forget about me and move on with life. Her happiness is number one to me. Have you ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? If not, the basic premise is 2 people fall in love. They inevitably break up and the pain is so much that they go to this place that can erase all memories of the situation. Her face, smell, feelings, everything. Pain gone. That is something I would do in a heart beat. Just have them remove all memory of the last 9 months. They say ignorance is bliss. I wish I could be ignorant right now.

They say it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I say the fucker who said that, has never truly loved and lost. It just makes me bitter. Hateful. Depressed. Unimportant. Unloved. I don’t know what the point of it all is. I just know I’m sick of being kicked in the balls by life. I just wish one good thing would happen to me…my mom…and it not be eventually covered in shit. Life is what you make it I guess. Wish my years of built up good karma would kick in. Wish I had died 20 years ago when I broke my neck like I should have.

Until next time…fuck you very much.

Side note…thanks to my Aunt Sally for the fresh strawberries.