I just had a dream/nightmare where an ex-lady friend of mine sent me a 4 page letter, front-to-back, on why we can’t be together. All valid points lol. I read 3 and a half pages before I woke up. Talk about depressing shit. And it’s not like we just broke up. I haven’t dated in 16 years or more. What the hell is my brain trying to say after all this time. That I’m unfuckin’ datable? I can actually partly agree with that. I still act like a teenager 90% of the time. I don’t know. This woman still gets to me after all this time. Sometimes I feel like the Creedence song “I Put a Spell On You” is playing in the background whenever I think about her. *cue Twilight Zone music*

And I’m out.

Sort of. I got bored so I got together a recent picture of each of the “children who shall not be named”. They’ve been doctored to protect their innocence. Unfortunately that means only those closest to them can see how truly cute they are. Haha suckers! Anyway here they are as well as a few others including me!

Current Mood: Frustrated

Well I’ve just removed all references of the “children who shall not be named”. Apparently it violates their rights or some such nonsense. I don’t fricken know. Also removed all mention of the “court proceedings that shall not be named”. So while I haven’t posted anything worthwhile in a long ass time due to “family who shall not be named”, don’t expect anything in the future either as far as the “children who shall not be named” are concerned. For now on on the rare occasion I do mention the “children who shall not be named”, I’ll refer to them as Oogster, Queen Bee, and T-Rizzle. If you don’t know who’s who, well too fuckin’ bad.

Anyway, things are going good. I’d be more specific but I can’t! T-Rizzle is playing t-ball. He(or she, you just never know) is doing pretty good. 100x better than last year. Oogster is too cute, and Queen Bee is getting better. We watch cartoons together every morning. Not too bad, except when Yo Gabba Gabba is on…worse show ever!

As for me, well nothing new. UTI here, UTI there. Watching movies, playing games, and entertaining the troops. All in a day for your local neighborhood cripple. I did buy(well paid half) for a new Amazon Kindle. Should be here Tuesday. Late birthday present from my mom’s. It shall be glorious. T-Rizzle, whose b-day is 4 days after mine got himself(or herself) a Wii. I’d post pictures but apparently that’s frowned upon as well. Can’t wait until this mess is all over. Anyway, I’m out. More reviews on the way…eventually. Duck Soup highlighting what I’ve watched of late.

PS: Come on Magic!!!!!!!!

Current Mood: Depressed

Well, the funeral was Wednesday and it was the hardest day of my life. It’d be so much easier if you knew what awaited you after death. Everybody kept trying to comfort me by saying, “she’s in a better place now.” Or “she’s watching over us now, smiling down.” How do you know? You don’t. It might be what you believe, but you don’t know. Nobody does. And if they say they do, they’re lying, crazy, or both. I don’t deny the existence of God, I’m just skeptical. Faith based religion just seems very convenient. The “we have no proof, you just gotta have faith” stuff.

I don’t know. The only comfort I can take from this is that she’s no longer in pain, and I was fortunate enough to have known her. To learn from her, and hopefully keep her memory alive for future generations by being a good son, uncle, cousin, friend, and eventually brother(she who shall not be named still drives me crazy).

Soon we’ll be back to my regularly scheduled blog posts full of “reality” TV, obscure movies, comics, and random shite. Just not yet. Stay classy people. Love your loved ones cuz you never know how long they’ll be here.

Current Mood: Sad

Not much else to say on the subject that I haven’t already said. Got the news about a half an hour ago, that she passed away.

I Love you Grandma…I’ll never ever forget you or your strength or your love.

Current Mood: Depressed & Sad

As you probably know, my Grandma is in her last moments. They’ve removed all the machines and it’s only a matter of time. She’s held on for four days since then. Today, my mom tells me that Grandpa wants me to call her. That maybe she’s holding on because she needed to know I’ll be alright. So I did, and it sucked. I could barely get the words out I wanted to say. I told her I loved her, how much I’ll miss her. Without her, I’ll have no one to talk to, and that I’ll be alright.

But I ask myself, will I be alright? Right now it’s hard to believe that to be the case. I imagine in time I will be. It just hurts so much right now…

Current Mood: Depressed & Sad

…I can take it. But it’s getting mighty fuckin’ hard this time. My grandmother is in a bad way. I’m not good with dealing with emotions and feelings and shit. I prefer to keep everything bottled up. Death is one thing I really can’t deal with. It hurts too fuckin’ bad. My hope has always been for me to die long before any of my family or friends. Selfish I know, but I figure I’m more of a burden anyway. People’d be sad for a little while but they’d be free and I wouldn’t have to deal with death. I just don’t know how to handle it.

Now my grandmother is fighting for her life and I’m emotionally numb. She was the one person I could talk to about anything. In a time where I had no respect for anyone or anything, I respected and loved my grandparents. No matter how bad I fucked up, and I fucked up a lot. She was always there to give me a good talking to, not with malice or anger. With compassion and a little bit of disappointment. Well maybe a lot of disappointment. And I hated it. Not that she was disappointed. I hated that I had disappointed her.

I talk bad about my family a lot. I will say, without a large portion of my family. I’d be a much more bitter, and hateful human being. I don’t know if I’d be here right now if not for them. They’ve been my strength, and the strongest one of them all is my Grandmother.

Makes me question life. What’s the point of it all? In the big picture, what have I done for this world? When I’m gone, will anyone care? Do I care? Makes believing in God easier that’s for sure. To think that after your dead, heaven awaits. You’ll be reunited with loved ones. That it’s all a part of a much bigger plan and life is just the beginning. But what if it’s not? What if death is the end. Was living life worth it? Was all the pain and hurt in life worth it? I don’t know. I know right now, I’m leaning towards no. Life sucks, then you die. The end. The pain of it all sucks and I hate it.

I love you Grandma. Please get better. The world will be a far emptier place without you in it. My life will be a far emptier place.

Hello peoples. In an effort to get my life on track and moving forward I’ve decided to start this blog. I’ve had some recent problems as it relates to my past. You can read about it in the “about me” section to the right. My problems are from chapter 5 on. So anyway, I’ve started this to keep me motivated. Plan to update it at least once a day whether I do anything or not. I can’t really get started how I’d like until around November cuz unfortunately I must depend on others to achieve my goals. I’m an incomplete quadriplegic, have been for 15 years. For 14 of those years I’ve done absolutely nothing. I just kinda quit living life. The plan is to become as independent as possible and start my life, albeit 14 years late. I’m not getting any younger and who knows when the end will come. So that is the purpose of this here blog. Hope to keep you at least mildly entertained and don’t be afraid to comment. Questions are welcome as well. I’m an open book.