Got my weights today. Gonna start using them every day. Build up some muscle. Once my mom gets her shit together, start getting up 4-5x a week. Push a little. Sit outside with the kids. Enjoy life for what it is and not what I wish it was.
With that said…I’m a dumbass. I tried to do the clean break thing and it didn’t go well. I sent the former lady a long ass email which I will post here to show how pathetically desperate and still in love with her I am. I’ll give one guess what I got in response…nothing. Here’s the email…feel free to point and laugh…Edited for some content…
Why are you avoiding me like the plague? How can you switch off so easily when I’ve been nothing but loving to you. I’ve never once given you reason to doubt me or my love. I trusted you with my whole heart. When a problem popped up we talked about it and I understood. When you was **********************************. Upset at first, but we talked it through. When I found out about the *****…I understood. We talked it out. When you *******, I still didn’t go running. We were broken up, but I’m still by your side. I was ready to go to an ********* with you…still am. Seeing a theme here? We always worked it out by communicating. I think that’s what’s been the hardest for me. Is that you made this decision for us. We didn’t get a chance to talk it out. To figure out a solution.
I mean, it’s just so hard for me to understand. How we can go from 10-20 calls a day to nothing. And I know I said clean break, but I don’t think I can do it. I need you in my life. This has been the hardest week of my life not being able to hear your voice. This coming from a guy who broke his fucking neck. Your voice, your happiness, your smile is what keeps me going every day. Now I don’t have that. And even if it not happening, or true or whatever. All I can see is you with some douchebag like Josh or the creep you ********** or that Johnny guy. Three guys who don’t deserve to have such an incredible woman. I would do anything for you. Even be your friend. Because I need you in my life.
I’m working hard to become a better man. Not just for me, but for you as well. I’ll have my GED by end of August. Once the kids go back to school I plan on having my driver’s license within three months. Then after i get a proper van I’ll be driving. You won’t have to make the trip here all the time. I can come see you. Hang out with you and your kids. Get to know your family better. And if you never wanna hear from me again. If you’re no longer in love with me. Then tell me and I’ll never bother you again. But if you do still love me, then give me a chance. Give us a chance. I mean if our love is as strong as I believe it to be. Isn’t it worth it to at least try the long distance thing? When we talked we always said we’d do the marriage thing in 2-4 years. Is 2 years too long to wait for love? I want you to be Mrs. Tiffany Glaze. But only if you think we can. And this is not a proposal, but a promise. I will make you my wife if you are willing to take that that leap with me. I will find a way to make it work. I love you Tiffany, and would lay down my life for you. Give me that chance. I’m not asking you to move here, I’m just asking you to give us a chance. And like I said, I would gladly talk with the kids if they have doubts or concerns about me/us. Please think about it.
I love you. Please call me. Or if you’d like I can call you. I’m just afraid you won’t answer if I do. Tell me what’s on your mind. Help me understand you. I wanna understand.
Again, I’d have been fine having her say fuck off. I’d be hurt but it’s a response. But I guess no response is pretty much the same thing. Only my brain doesn’t see that. It sees that glimmer of hope. “Hey, she didn’t tell you to fuck off, so there’s still a chance.” Dumb, but what can I do? The heart sees hope, the mind sees reality. The heart always wins. With this last desperate gasp at love I shall leave it alone. If it’s meant to be it’ll happen. I’ve done what I can. Layed it all out for her. I’m a good man, a good person, friend, son, and uncle. Her loss. All I can be is me. Life goes on.
PS: typing with wrist weights on is haaaard.
Until next time…fuck you very much…and I still love you.