No? Well I’ll tell you. Over and over again putting yourself out there. Saying everything that’s on your mind. Expressing yourself, and your feelings and getting nothing in return. That’s been one of the hardest things with this break up. That I revealed my heart, and yes soul to only get “I know.” “You’re right.” and “I’m sorry.” in return. Makes me feel like an ass. Like after we got done talking she couldn’t wait to share my patheticness with those around her and laugh. And I know I said patheticness, I also know it’s not a word, but I regret nothing I’ve said. I regret what I did, but nothing of what I said. If I didn’t say everything on my mind then I wouldn’t be true to myself. If I didn’t try my damndest then I didn’t deserve her.
And realistically I do know we’re over. I know this, but there just seems to be unfinished business because it ended so suddenly. Like more could have been said or done to prevent this. I find myself doing things I know I shouldn’t be doing, but I do anyway. Almost like I’m poking the bear to try and get a reaction…any reaction. Alas, I get nothing. Which continues to poke back at me. Makes me question how much she loved me if at all. Was I just a distraction for her life so when things got real she high-tailed it out of here. She just seems cold since the break up. No emotion and it’s a bit scary and sad. Because that’s not the woman I felt I knew.
I also found that I’m really missing the intimacy. Not the sex…don’t get me wrong, I miss that too but after 18 years of no physical contact, then finally having that again. It’s almost euphoric. To just be able to hold someone’s hand. It’s so bad, craigslist is quickly seeming like a great option. I’m guessing not a lot of ladies out there are looking for a 35year old quadriplegic. I’m not looking for a relationship. Had the best one I could ever hope to have. I just want that intimacy back and right now, I’ll take it from just about anywhere…I’m a sad little man. I’ve probably said too much so I’m gonna stop.
Until next time…fuck you very much.