…but I don’t know what to say. Life still sucks. Future seems bleak without my former lady love. Before, I could clearly see the future. Our house, our living room, our bedroom 😉 Spending the rest of our days watching the kids grow up. Finding their way in life. Now I see darkness. I see a life not worth living. No worries fuckers. I’m not thinking stupid shit. Life just seems pointless now. Just going through the motions for my mom’s sake and the kids. It doesn’t get any easier. Just gets more and more disappointing, more lonely, more depressing. Even if I thought I could find another woman, it’d never be the same, because I know Tiffany was my one and only. It’d be unfair to all involved because I could never open my self up to anybody like I did with her. Without her, I’m half the man I could be.
I keep thinking, give it time. She’ll come back. Her kids will see how much we love and need one another, but it’s not gonna happen. I was perfectly ok with my life before her. With her I got a glimpse of true happiness. Will things get better? It could happen I guess, but no matter how much things improve, I know I’ll never be the same without her. I’ll never know true happiness again.
The former lady seems to be doing ok. We’ve talked a little here and there. She’s looking to move out on her own. I’ll still be here to support her but it almost feels like I’m helping her to move on without me. Pushing her to forget about me and move on with life. Her happiness is number one to me. Have you ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? If not, the basic premise is 2 people fall in love. They inevitably break up and the pain is so much that they go to this place that can erase all memories of the situation. Her face, smell, feelings, everything. Pain gone. That is something I would do in a heart beat. Just have them remove all memory of the last 9 months. They say ignorance is bliss. I wish I could be ignorant right now.
They say it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I say the fucker who said that, has never truly loved and lost. It just makes me bitter. Hateful. Depressed. Unimportant. Unloved. I don’t know what the point of it all is. I just know I’m sick of being kicked in the balls by life. I just wish one good thing would happen to me…my mom…and it not be eventually covered in shit. Life is what you make it I guess. Wish my years of built up good karma would kick in. Wish I had died 20 years ago when I broke my neck like I should have.
Until next time…fuck you very much.
Side note…thanks to my Aunt Sally for the fresh strawberries.