Current Mood: Depressed & Sad

…I can take it. But it’s getting mighty fuckin’ hard this time. My grandmother is in a bad way. I’m not good with dealing with emotions and feelings and shit. I prefer to keep everything bottled up. Death is one thing I really can’t deal with. It hurts too fuckin’ bad. My hope has always been for me to die long before any of my family or friends. Selfish I know, but I figure I’m more of a burden anyway. People’d be sad for a little while but they’d be free and I wouldn’t have to deal with death. I just don’t know how to handle it.

Now my grandmother is fighting for her life and I’m emotionally numb. She was the one person I could talk to about anything. In a time where I had no respect for anyone or anything, I respected and loved my grandparents. No matter how bad I fucked up, and I fucked up a lot. She was always there to give me a good talking to, not with malice or anger. With compassion and a little bit of disappointment. Well maybe a lot of disappointment. And I hated it. Not that she was disappointed. I hated that I had disappointed her.

I talk bad about my family a lot. I will say, without a large portion of my family. I’d be a much more bitter, and hateful human being. I don’t know if I’d be here right now if not for them. They’ve been my strength, and the strongest one of them all is my Grandmother.

Makes me question life. What’s the point of it all? In the big picture, what have I done for this world? When I’m gone, will anyone care? Do I care? Makes believing in God easier that’s for sure. To think that after your dead, heaven awaits. You’ll be reunited with loved ones. That it’s all a part of a much bigger plan and life is just the beginning. But what if it’s not? What if death is the end. Was living life worth it? Was all the pain and hurt in life worth it? I don’t know. I know right now, I’m leaning towards no. Life sucks, then you die. The end. The pain of it all sucks and I hate it.

I love you Grandma. Please get better. The world will be a far emptier place without you in it. My life will be a far emptier place.

Current Mood: Frustrated

She called yesterday…not to talk the kids. Actually I don’t know why she called. Anyway, I answered and I was short with her like I always am. No small talk, just yes/no/maybe type answers. So she calls mom and cries to her because I’m apparently being mean to her. And that I should be over it already as “it” happened back in February. “It” being damn near starving her youngest to death, complete neglect of her other 2 children, and drug use which led to said neglect. She’s yet to do one thing in an effort to better her life and get her kids back. She still constantly lies. Everything is, Poor me, poor fuckin’ Shell. Not, “damn I fucked up…big. My kids are suffering because I fucked up. Maybe I should get my priorities straight so I can be a fit, loving mother.” Yet I should apparently act like nothing happened because, “it happened all the way back in February”. They say time heals wounds but not if you keep picking at the fucking wound. So, she has decided to no longer call my phone. Somehow, I’ll get over it.

Tre also can’t go to Cali with us now, because the Judge doesn’t want him to miss any possible visitations with his “mother”. Even though she rarely sees them anyway. She canceled visitation this week cuz she scratched her eyeball and “it might scare the kids”. Yeah, fuckin’ ridiculous. I don’t know how she even still has a chance at getting her kids back. Just pisses me off. It’s hard to believe we were so close once. Now she’s practically a stranger. In the immortal words of Rick James…”Cocaine…hell of a drug.”

Current Mood: Tired

Today I watched the final 3 episodes of Miss Rap Supreme. I’m glad Reece won, but man do I have a serious attraction to Byata. I can’t explain the attraction, but I find her extremely sexy. So feeling her.

But anyway, I love Reece’s fire, and flow. I could easily see her with Busta Rhymes crew when they’re doing their grimier more street songs. She’s just so raw. Unfortunately I see Byata going the way of Fergie and Gwen Stefani(as Ms. Cherry pointed out). Never liked Fergie, just horrible. And I liked Gwen when she was with No Doubt, but her solo stuff is garbage. I doubt we see Ms Cherry again, and pray we don’t see Chiba’s fake ass. Enough of that.

To continue my lazy day, I watched 2 episodes of Ghost Hunter on Sci-Fi. Unimpressed. I just don’t believe in ghosts and that show did nothing to change things. Boooooring. Moving on…

Next up is more reality schlock with Celebrity Circus. Meh. Didn’t finish it due to the station fucking up. I’m sure I’m not missing much. I can’t believe how incredibly hot Stacey Dash still is. In her 40’s and looks exactly the same as she did in Clueless. Hell, going back even further, she looks the same as she did in Moving w/ Richard Pryor. Unreal.

To finish off my exciting fun-filled day, I finished up disc 2 of Captain Herlock. An anime recommended to me…Unimpressed. I’m gonna finish it up quickly so I can send it back and never think about it again.

Oh, also kicked Drew’s ass in NBA2k8 a couple times and played about 3 hours or so of Lost Odyssey.

And that is my exciting day. Now I’m off so I can play a quick game of NBA2k8 with Tre so he can go to bed.

Current Mood: Happy

…so I guess I’ll make a post…about something. Ummm, went and got my ID photo taken. Watching me sign my name was extremely comical. It’s been a long time since I’ve done it. All is now prepared for our trip. Got a TomTom One GPS Friday. My mom’s sense of direction is legendarily bad. Without the GPS we’d likely end up in Florida. Also got about 12 rechargeable batteries so my camera is always functional as well as another 1GB SD card for it. I am set!

While out getting my ID, we of course went to Wal-Mart and I bought my first Blu-ray movie, Hellboy. My original copy went MIA, most likely due to she who shall not be named. Bought another copy of NBA2k8 so Tre could have his own copy and not destroy mine. Drew(cousin) came along and kept me company, so that was nice. Pretty good time.

Finally got my new laptop and it is glorious. It’s incredibly light. Also has vista home, and I gotta say, I’m not dissatisfied with it despite all the horror stories I’ve heard. Only complaint is how the folders are setup. It has a built in webcam and it’s glorious. Of course it’s only use will be to take pictures of my incredibly handsome mug. Not big on the whole conversating thing. I get on messenger about twice a month.

Bought a couple of movies as well. Got Dexter: Season 1, and Flight of the Conchords: Season 1. Lets see, what else? Oh! Got this spiffy little camcorder called the Flip Video Ultra Series Camcorder($129.19) It takes 60 minutes of video, and then you just flip out(hence the name) the built in USB connector, plug it into your computer and transfer the file(s). Fuckin’ easy as hell. I’ll put some video samples at the bottom that I just took while making this post.

That’s about it really. She who shall not be named is still a fuckup. Didn’t call the kids once this past week, plus 2 incidents that is firmly placing her among some of the most “brilliant” minds…in her mind. She’s…no need to bring this post down. Comic-Con baby!

And here be the vids…I didn’t edit them at all. Just the raw avi file straight from the camera so they’re a little big. Not too much so. Just click on the picture.
1 of Tay(10.1mb’s), and one of Tre(17.6mb’s).

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