Current Mood:
Confused
…well, I wouldn’t say never. At one time during my youth, I wanted a kid but I wasn’t thinking clearly then. What i mean by that, is I was romanticizing the idea of a kid. I wasn’t thinking of the financial responsibility, or even really the emotional side of things. I just knew I wanted a kid. After I broke my neck, I quickly decided kids were no longer an option. I cut off the love of my life, and pretty much everything from my past. I don’t have anything left from my years before my accident. I just didn’t feel like I could do it as a quadriplegic. I still don’t.
But “thanks” to she who shall not be named, I am now semi responsible for a life and the reasons for me not wanting kids are still there. I just can’t do the things an able-bodied person can. I can’t play catch, can’t take them to the park to play, can’t shoot hoops, etc., and it sucks. I selfishly wish she who shall not be named got her shit together enough so I don’t have to deal with it. Not for her well-being, or for the kids, but for me. It was easy being just an Uncle. Play a few video games, watch some cartoons, and I’m done. In the end, she who shall not be named would bear responsibility. Their dad would teach them to throw, shoot hoops and whatnot. Now I don’t have that luxury, and they(the kids) don’t have that chance.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m VERY happy they are here with me. And they are in a 1000% better situation. They didn’t have a chance with she who shall not be named or her insignificant other. And I fear they’ll clean themselves up just enough to get custody back. As long as they’re in the environment they’re currently in, the kids would be facing an uphill climb. Tre already thinks pimps, thugs, and gangsta’s are “cool”…
This post has really strayed from the post I wanted to make lol. So I’ll shut up now, and make that post.
I don’t know what kinda father I would’ve been had I not broken my neck and had in fact had a kid, but as a stand-in dad/uncle, I spoil the fuck out of the kids. I don’t know if it’s because I feel sorry for ‘em, or trying to compensate for something, or maybe even old insecurities, you know, like I’m trying to buy their love. I really don’t know. Maybe I just like buying them stuff.
The original reason for this post is yesterday after me and Tre’s trip to the dentist we went to Wal-Mart. We went to the electronics section like always…I love my gadgets, and well, electronics. You know what I got…2 games for Tre, Justice League Unlimited Season 2, He-Man Season 1, and a Backyardigans DVD…that’s it. I got stuff from amazon as well. I bought another Backyardigans DVD($15 for only 3 f’n episodes!), Scooby Doo Season 3. Tre a chair, so when all the boys are here, he has his own, and also some basketball cards to try and introduce him to collecting and how to take care of stuff. I bought me a $9 microSD card for my new cell. That’s it. In the past, it would’ve been all about me and my crap.
It’s clichéd, but there really needs to be a definitive book on parenting cuz it’s confusing. I don’t know how people do it, and make it seem so easy. Much respect to all the stand-up parents out there. A special shout out to Chonees, for she is stronger than I will ever be.
Side note: My mom’s pretty great too, even if it took a broken neck for me to see it.