Ok, here’s my last bitchy, whiny, woe is me, life sucks, lonely, shit stain of an existence post…for awhile.
I spent over half my life without female companionship. The saying “ignorance is bliss” has never been so perfect. I had no idea what I was missing as I didn’t have it. I was “happy” in my solitude. Then Tiffany came along and reminded me how great it was to have someone else. And because it had been so long since I had someone, I fell for her. Hard. I was ready to spend my life with someone I barely knew. I thought I was in love, but it wasn’t love. I was in love with the idea of love. I overlooked so many warning signs. I let things go that should have made me run away. Fast. But I didn’t want to lose that feeling of being. That feeling of closeness. That feeling of “love”. If you’ve read my blog, you know I didn’t take the break-up well. I was done with relationships that quickly. It was too hard. Hurt too much.
So I started looking for “fun girls” online. Had zero interest in having another relationship. I was using a fake name. Fake location. Everything about my online persona was fake. It was my safeguard. Then Tinkerbell crossed my path. Fucking beautiful, sexy, fun, smart, ambitious, and young. Still teen young(19). But there was something about her that drew me in right away. Rather quickly she knew all about me. But I still kept one lie going so if things got too serious with her, I had a bailout. I told her I was married. It was my ace in the hole. It didn’t work. I began to fall for her. We’d talk all day and night. I’d stay with her until she fell asleep every night. Then stay with her for a bit to be sure she was sleeping okay. I still remember when I heard her heartbeat for the first time. She had fallen asleep, and she rolled over onto her mic. I had never felt closer to her. 2 days later I told her I wasn’t married. It was really bad timing though, as it was on her b-day. Oops. She was pretty upset. She eventually forgave me, but told me I now owe her two birthdays a year since I ruined hers lol. I quickly agreed.
Things were good for awhile, but my insecurities started rearing it’s ugly head. To her credit she stuck by me, but even the most understanding, and loving person can only take so much. Long story short, she found someone else and we were no more. I tried doing the friend thing but that didn’t work out so well. Last text I sent…
You don’t need me around anymore. You’re moving on to a new chapter in your life. I’m just a reminder of your past. It’s not fair to you or Max for me to stick around. You’re still welcome to text or call me. I’m here for you until you say otherwise but I’m going to stop bothering you. Let you live life.
Hadn’t heard from her since. Every time I get a text, I’m hoping it’s her. When I see that it’s not. I don’t even bother checking it or if I do, I don’t respond. I go to bed around 10 now that the kids are back in school, but I wake up around 11:30(12:30 her time) every night because that’s when we’d usually skype until she fell asleep. I miss her, but I’ve lost her. I like being alone, but I hate the loneliness. I’ve never felt so lonely in all my life.
So anyway. There’s that. Moving on. This is how bad it is. I’m supposed to go to the doctor soon. Full checkup/physical. Prostate exam and all. Yay me! But the thing is, I’m hoping they find something wrong with me. I want an easy way out. I want to not be here. I hate life. I hate being lonely. I hate being me. I don’t want to be that person who needs someone else to define who they are, but that’s exactly who/what I am. I don’t feel complete without my other half and the only person I want I can’t have. So, in response. I shut down. I give up. Just go through the motions for the sake of the kids and hope for an early exit. Welcome to my happy place.
That is all. Until next time…fuck you very much.