Here we are again

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Published on: May 26, 2021

So, no longer with the lady. As always, I fucked it up. Insecurities and a feeling of uselessness is and always be my downfall. She’s happy though so I’m happy. She made me a better person. No regrets. I miss her but it is what it is. Won’t dwell.

As for me. I’m making strides. Got my ssdi and Medicaid straightened out. Got my first bank account.

We moved to Iola. Now trying to get things all straightened out so I can make the move to Wichita, which can’t come soon enough. Tre is on the path to jail. Tayonna is…well, it’s awful. She’s awful. I actively dislike her. And Nevin is no different from my last post. Maybe even worse.

Mom is on the brink of giving up custody. She’s never given up on anybody. Which includes my 37yo sister whose spent about 22 of those years strung out on all the drugs. Yet the kids have pushed her to the brink. I don’t blame her. They’re the number one reason I’m leaving. It’s scary, but I’m ready. It’s time. I need my own life.

So that’s it for now. Until next time.

August 17

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Published on: August 17, 2020

Woke up early to being quarantined. Apparently mom was exposed, but we have no idea who, as she doesn’t really talk to anyone. So that’s fun.

I’m moving out soon. It’s scary, but necessary. My mental health needs it. Tre’ is coming along which is nice, but I hope he gets his shit together.

Word is, I’ve got me a lovely lady friend. Just celebrated a year together. She’s great. Smart, funny, outspoken, ambitious, understanding, open, and just great. She’s also damn cute.

As for the kiddos. Tay is a terror, but to her credit, she was the old Tay while my lady friend was here. Helped out, was friendly, polite, and pleasant. It was nice.

Nevin has been equal parts awful and frustrating. He’s a large part of why I’m moving. He just refuses to listen or own up to anything. Lies about everything. EVERYTHING. He’s easily the most frustrating person in my life. So much potential. So much being wasted.

As for my life. It basically consists of the lady, tv, reading, duolingo, and Apex. But changes are a coming. Stay tuned.

Weekly wrap up

Sis tried to kill herself with a bottle of benadryl. She’s still in the psyche ward on watch. So there’s that.

Tayonna attacked staff Thursday yet still got a pass Friday to come home. Not sure how that works. Shockingly she’s been a terror since being here. Reward bad behavior and surprise, she continues being bad. Who would’ve thought that?

Tre’ continues to make just blindingly stupid choices. No clue what to do with him. Tried being a hardass. Tried being lenient. Tried talking. Tried yelling. Drew has tried. Mom has tried. I just don’t get it.

Nevin is doing okay, but has his moments of wild, aggressive anger. And lies. All the lies, fallacies, tall tales, and stories. Driving me insane.

Mom is…frustrating. And that’s all I gotta say about that.

As for me. I’m here. Bored, depressed, angry, going through the motions. Watching tv. Playing FIFA. Slowly reading. So here’s some reviews.

First up Stephen Colbert’s arch nemesis and Korean pop sensation Rain in Ninja Assassin. It’s about what you would expect. Copious amounts of blood and gore. But it gets a passing grade because Sho Kosugi is in it. His movies made up a large portion of my childhood. Movies like Ninja III: The Domination and Pray for Death. If you like ninja flicks it’s worth a watch. Otherwise, pass.

Equalizer 2. Worth watching.

Arrested Development was okay to good. Worth watching if you’re a completist.

Final Destination holds up remarkably well.

I want for nothing

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Published on: July 11, 2019

Someone recently asked me what I want. In life. In general. Anything. And I didn’t have an answer. Even after thinking about it a while. I had nothing. Figured I’d sleep on it. Still nothing. It’s really bothering me that there’s nothing in life I want. I mean there’s obvious easy answers. Sis being clean(she’s in the psyche ward currently). Mom not having to work. Not living check to check. But that’s not just for me. I should have some personal wants, needs, goals. It’s depressing. To know you’re wasting a life, but you’re so apathetic that you can’t and/or won’t make a change for the better.

Nothing interests me. Nothing excites me. Nothing keeps my attention. Even things I once loved, I find boring. Or can’t keep my attention long. A pointless existence…

I didn’t miss me either

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Published on: May 1, 2019

So I’m back…I guess. Not a lot has changed. Older. Grumpier. Blessed. Not reading as much. Not watching as much. Not going out…ever. Some shit has changed. Niece is in state care. She’s defiant, angry, spiteful, and just not overly pleasant right now. She’s in a state hospital residency thing.

Oldest has really gone downhill. Shit grades. Dropped out of sports; part grades/part shit coach. Depressed. Angry. I miss him. It’s hard to communicate with him anymore. It’s not great.

Youngest is doing okay, except 90% of what he says is a lie or an embellishment on the truth.

She who shall not be named is still the same as ever. Upto like 6 kids. Custody of zero.

As for me. Still kicking (figuratively). No GED. No life. No prospects. Yet, I am blessed. For I have a great family. Yes, even the kids. They drive me nuts but I love them like my sis loves drugs, and babies, and alcohol, and…you get it. I’d be in so much worse shape. Likely dead. Through all the shit. All the drama, I live for them. There’s other things going on but we’ll save that for another post.

As for now. Fuck you very much and I live to love again and still.

Just get it all out there…

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Published on: September 24, 2013

Ok, here’s my last bitchy, whiny, woe is me, life sucks, lonely, shit stain of an existence post…for awhile.

I spent over half my life without female companionship. The saying “ignorance is bliss” has never been so perfect. I had no idea what I was missing as I didn’t have it. I was “happy” in my solitude. Then Tiffany came along and reminded me how great it was to have someone else. And because it had been so long since I had someone, I fell for her. Hard. I was ready to spend my life with someone I barely knew. I thought I was in love, but it wasn’t love. I was in love with the idea of love. I overlooked so many warning signs. I let things go that should have made me run away. Fast. But I didn’t want to lose that feeling of being. That feeling of closeness. That feeling of “love”. If you’ve read my blog, you know I didn’t take the break-up well. I was done with relationships that quickly. It was too hard. Hurt too much.

So I started looking for “fun girls” online. Had zero interest in having another relationship. I was using a fake name. Fake location. Everything about my online persona was fake. It was my safeguard. Then Tinkerbell crossed my path. Fucking beautiful, sexy, fun, smart, ambitious, and young. Still teen young(19). But there was something about her that drew me in right away. Rather quickly she knew all about me. But I still kept one lie going so if things got too serious with her, I had a bailout. I told her I was married. It was my ace in the hole. It didn’t work. I began to fall for her. We’d talk all day and night. I’d stay with her until she fell asleep every night. Then stay with her for a bit to be sure she was sleeping okay. I still remember when I heard her heartbeat for the first time. She had fallen asleep, and she rolled over onto her mic. I had never felt closer to her. 2 days later I told her I wasn’t married. It was really bad timing though, as it was on her b-day. Oops. She was pretty upset. She eventually forgave me, but told me I now owe her two birthdays a year since I ruined hers lol. I quickly agreed.

Things were good for awhile, but my insecurities started rearing it’s ugly head. To her credit she stuck by me, but even the most understanding, and loving person can only take so much. Long story short, she found someone else and we were no more. I tried doing the friend thing but that didn’t work out so well. Last text I sent…
You don’t need me around anymore. You’re moving on to a new chapter in your life. I’m just a reminder of your past. It’s not fair to you or Max for me to stick around. You’re still welcome to text or call me. I’m here for you until you say otherwise but I’m going to stop bothering you. Let you live life.

Hadn’t heard from her since. Every time I get a text, I’m hoping it’s her. When I see that it’s not. I don’t even bother checking it or if I do, I don’t respond. I go to bed around 10 now that the kids are back in school, but I wake up around 11:30(12:30 her time) every night because that’s when we’d usually skype until she fell asleep. I miss her, but I’ve lost her. I like being alone, but I hate the loneliness. I’ve never felt so lonely in all my life.

So anyway. There’s that. Moving on. This is how bad it is. I’m supposed to go to the doctor soon. Full checkup/physical. Prostate exam and all. Yay me! But the thing is, I’m hoping they find something wrong with me. I want an easy way out. I want to not be here. I hate life. I hate being lonely. I hate being me. I don’t want to be that person who needs someone else to define who they are, but that’s exactly who/what I am. I don’t feel complete without my other half and the only person I want I can’t have. So, in response. I shut down. I give up. Just go through the motions for the sake of the kids and hope for an early exit. Welcome to my happy place.

That is all. Until next time…fuck you very much.

Pointless blog post…

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Published on: September 22, 2013

Since my last post, nothings changed. Still a miserable fuck. Have found myself a new play thing. Blonde, young(just turned 23), cute, sexy, and…fun 😉 Best part, she lives many states away and other than the physical there’s no connection. It gets my mind off…things. Which is good. I miss having someone to talk to, but I’ll live.

Getting my read on again. Remember I mentioned I was reading Lamb by Christopher Moore about a year ago…still am. Almost done though. Highly enjoyable. Must read. Next up is the Game of Thrones series.

I can’t even make a decent blog post…shit sucks.

“I hate life.”

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Published on: September 15, 2013

This has been my daily mantra every morning for like 3 years. Sure there were some days that were okay. Sprinkles of hope here and there. There was Tiffany, which at the time seemed amazing, but seriously. That was a fucking nightmare. Yay me! I got to fuck a lying, drug addict. And that was the highlight. The only thing keeping me going is the fact that I have kids. Kids that need and depend on me. If they weren’t here I’d have been gone long ago. I’m not living life, I’m just serving my time. Thing is, I don’t have any motivation to change that. I just don’t care. At one point there was the motivation to change. Again, it was a woman. She pushed me to improve myself. To be more than a glorified babysitter. That I had a future. But as with all things, I fucked that up too. Insecurities, trust issues, age issues. I just felt she could do so much better than me. Eventually she did. And I’m happy for her. Honestly and truthfully. Do I wish it was me making her smile? Of course. But it was not meant to be. She’ll do amazing things.

So here I am again. Alone, and hating life. “Serving my time.” Doing 10 to 15 years for the crime of apathy and disinterest. Needless to say. Apathetic Man is back and there doesn’t seem to be any changing that this time.

Positive note. I’m reading and watching shit. I’ve got nothing better to do, so I may update this more…we’ll see.

Until next time…fuck you very much…and I still love you…

Personality test…

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Published on: January 11, 2013
Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid |||||||||||||||| 66%
Schizoid |||||||||||| 42%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 70%
Antisocial |||| 14%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Histrionic |||||||||||| 46%
Narcissistic || 10%
Avoidant |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Dependent |||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||| 50%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
Personality Test by

The top 4 disorder descriptions

Borderline Personality Disorder – individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness. Core issue is an inability to regulate emotions.

Dependent Personality Disorder – individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior. Core issue is the need to be parented by others (i.e. avoid growing up / becoming self-sufficient).

Avoidant Personality Disorder – individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism. Core issue is an inability to resolve their codependent need for connection with their codependent fear of rejection and/or discomfort/anxiety around others.

Schizotypal Personality Disorder – individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior; preoccupied with seeing themselves and/or the world as strange/odd

Just random musings…

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Published on: September 17, 2012

Been awhile huh? Not too terrible much to talk about as I’m kind of lazy as you well know. Let’s see…I’ve been out once since going to see The Dark Knight Rises. It was not a good time. We took the kids to Chuck E. Cheese in Joplin. It was hot as fuck and damn near passed out in the car on the way up there. Was miserable the rest of the time. Stomach was upset, kids were on my nerves, and still had to make the trip home. Only plus is the gang all got together again. I also watched Battle Royale while everybody went to play games…good times. I love that movie. Anyway…Chuck E Cheese sucked.

Still with the current lady despite my best efforts to chase her off. You know what sucks about being me? Knowing how insecure I am, and pessimistic I am. Knowing I’m saying something fucked up and wrong yet still saying it. Like I can’t control myself. It’s really quite a pain in the ass…to me and the lady. Probably more so for her…yet she’s still here. Guess that’s a good sign. The negative thing about me now is, thanks to my last relationship…I’ve become even more insecure and for the first time ever…finding myself getting jealous. Just untrusting and questioning everything. Not a good look. I’m trying to find a balance, it’s just slow going. I’m just always assuming the worse, then I get grumpy, quiet, and passive aggressive and she’s wondering why I’m upset, and I don’t have an answer. 99% of the time, it’s my insecurities. I’m not an easy one to be with right now, but she’s been pretty understanding and I’m thankful for that. She’s a keeper 🙂

Finally got my GED pre-test rescheduled. Hopefully I make it to this one. No expectations…Plus to this, is once the pre-test is done I can do everything online.

Got myself a dentist appointment upcoming and a tentatively planned trip to the movies for the end of the month. Other than that, nothing going on in my little world.

Kids are back in school so I get some free time again. Spending most of it watching The Wire on HBOGO. Amazing show…I heart Omar…no homo. When I’m not doing that, I’m slowly reading Lamb by Christopher Moore. Gonna try to finish it up tomorrow. In more media news, I tried to watch Battle Royale II…fucking horrible. It is just a flaming pile of shit. One of the worse movies I’ve ever seen part of.

In more, more media news…I’ve found all of my missing Hayao Miyazaki/Studio Ghibli movies. They had been missing for well over 6 months much to my dismay. They were hiding amongst my plethora of mistreated and mostly ignored DVD collection. In honor of this, I watched My Neighbor Totoro today, Spirited Away yesterday, and Castle in the Sky a couple times in the last few days. Good times. I’m thinking Howl’s Moving Castle or Porco Rosso tomorrow. Now I need to buy Princess Mononoke which was the first Hayao Miyazaki/Studio Ghibli film I ever saw. Ponyo is another one I like quite a bit…I’m a bit of a nerd/geek 🙂

Hmmm, not much else to say…Oh, as an addendum to my drunken post…I was indeed black out drunk. The tape confirms it. I don’t remember shit, but the tape doesn’t lie lol. I vow to not get that drunk ever again and may the damning footage never see light of day 🙂 Allen getting his drunken harmonica on however is on youtube as I type and you read. Cody is also quite comical in his drunkenness…me, I move like 4 times throughout the 17 minute video…I’m a bit drunk.

Until next time…fuck you very much!

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